First of all, I realize many of you are still confused and upset about my 'coming out'. I've spoken to some family and they are so many things wrong with what you are thinking, and I hope I can try with this blog to clarify things that can be lost in an emotional exchange.
I could be wrong, but I believe it has a lot to do with what most people believe is the definition of transgender. Transgender is an umbrella term referring to anyone who's behavior, thoughts, or traits differ from the societal expectations for their sex. This group includes cross-dressers, transsexuals, intersexuals, genderqueer, and bisexuals. There is no one text-book definition as to what makes a transgender person. It can be a very gray area. The traditional concept - as I quoted in an earlier post is that people transition for sexual reasons. These are hyper-feminine girly gay men that don't 'feel' right being gay. They rather live as a woman, so that they can have a 'normal' life as an heterosexual woman. Better known as transsexuals, this is only one definition of transgender women.Another stereotype is that transgender women trade one side of the binary for the other. They are women trapped in a male body That a transgender woman despises her lower 'parts' and anything to do with her previous masculinity. This leads to the 'end game' of gender surgery and going 'stealth', pretending they were never male to begin with.
Some people have argued that, because I had children, I can't be trans. Well, if you go on that belief, then men coming out as gay after years of 'being in the closet' can't have had children either. Not all of us despise the bodies we are born with, and some of us learn to cope very well with what we are given. The simple matter of my having children before transition is a combination of a few factors: One being that I prefer women, I love the female body, and - unlike many transsexual women - I enjoyed my sexuality in my youth. Because I love children, and because I love sex, this led to me having children of my own. I love my children dearly and wouldn't give them up for the world!
I've used a lot of terms to try to define who I am over the years: I'm a lesbian, I'm in touch with my feminine side, I'm a romantic... The best description of what I am would be bi-gender or Two Spirited. Two Spirited people have a greater understanding of both genders, as we toe the line between male and female.
How long have I know I've been female? Most people ask me. This is often a challenge or just merely curiosity. I've probably known for some time now is the only real answer I have. I could have been younger, but it was around 14 that I realized I really wasn't like the other guys in my class. I had a maturity level that was beyond theirs in so many ways. I didn't share their zeal for sports, or cars, or challenges of strength and male bravado... I even thought at one point that I could be gay. I found female clothing attractive and even comfortable. I was definitely a lot more feminine that most boys I knew. But looking at a locker room full of men, some of them naked incited no attraction or excitement. If anything, I found myself analyzing them for their artistic attractiveness or muscle build.
Growing up, I tried my best to act like one of the guys, tried to chase the 'pretty' girls, hang out with them... I was active. I love cycling, Frisbee, being outside, art, music, poetry, science fiction, fantasy... I found solace with the 'geek' crowd, as I just couldn't fit in with the 'popular' people. I found them too superficial. I soon found I was more attracted to tom-boyish girls. Not that I didn't like the 'pretty' girls, but I just couldn't find anything in common with them. I soon felt like I had two personalities. I was outgoing, affectionate and bubbly in public. In school I was more withdrawn, quiet, almost anti-social. I couldn't connect with many of my classmates. The few who had met me outside of school were friends with me, as they had met my 'other' side. I'm sure some of them couldn't understand why I was such a 'dweeb' in school.
Because I lacked the male aggressiveness, I was seen as a wimp through much of school. And I'm sure many family can attest of me being upset from the teasing bullying when I was younger. In reality, I knew that, due to my consistent physical activity, I was really strong, and I really, really, didn't like hurting people So I avoided physical confrontation - knowing that it would end with my opponent on the ground. I've always believed that an argument degrades if it lowers to a physical level and that I've lost once I've given in to the urge to hit someone - regardless of usually being the last one standing. But, to prove I could be male, I did the 'guy thing' near my late high school years. I got this pretty, little, bubbly girlfriend.She was more body than brains, and not really my type, but she fit the cheerleader profile that many guys in my class went for.
Something wonderful happened the summer between grades 11 & 12. I managed to get into a language program in northen Québec. My parents saw it as a means of cleaning up my horrible Acadien accent I'd developed. I saw it as a means of freedom. And it was more revealing that I ever thought possible. So, I'm 18, legal age, and I know absolutely no-one there. I had to make friends, which, as some of you know, is something that I can do rather easily. Because no-one there knew me, there was no social expectations on who I was or wasn't. I could be myself - truly be myself - for the first time in what felt like years. In there I discovered I wasn't just some 'looser', that I could be a fun loving, open and affection person, and people accepted me openly. Going back to Fredericton was hard! I had grown so much that summer, so when I discovered that some of my classmates may not be prepared for the 'new me', I shuttered myself again.
Then I went in to wrestling, to prove - in a less-violent manner - to many of my classmates that I was stronger than I looked (I was a lean 155 lb stick of 5'11"). Well, the experiment worked, I managed to make a few more friends in school than I had previous. By graduation I had slowly let more of 'me' creep in and it was okay. In the end, I would have to say that my teens weren't as horrible as some other stories I've heard. I was over all more independent, stronger willed and focused than some people I knew.
Some of you are wondering why I'm going into details that some of you already know. I guess you can say I'm doing this in part as therapy for myself - you learn more about yourself when you think back on what you've done....
But, in truth, I hid a lot from even the people I loved. As much of an open-book many people thought me to be, there were many pages you never saw. All the times I was quiet and withdrawn was because I couldn't find a way to express myself. The dreams of being a girl, transformation dreams where I would shed some if not all of my male body to trade for a female body. I tried to bring this up, but I was so confused I couldn't! How I could I go into details on something I had no definition for? So I buried it. Buried it really deep. It's part of what led to my moodiness and what drove me into art and music as a means of therapy. I could talk to the art, I could sing to the music, it wouldn't talk back and I could absorb some of the feeling from songs in knowing that I wasn't the only one feeling confused, lost, or wanting more.
I found ways to cope with not being normal - though I've not to this day been able to figure out what normal is... I would joke that I felt like a round peg trying to fit into a square hole. Only the hole was big enough to me to fit into - I was just missing the corners.
Throughout my 20s, I continued to find excuses for my feminine traits of occasional non-masculine mannerisms. Over all, people left me alone. I was male-enough. I thank the fact I was in long term relationships to keep my out of the dating scene all those years. But it was slowly chipping away at me. Combined with having trouble keeping a steady job, depression was strongly settling in. I tried to keep it buried - like I did with so many other inconvenient emotions. I trooped on as best as I thought I could manage.
By my 30s I was loosing the fight. I was running out of excuses. When people asked me why I wasn't typically masculine in a very conservative Manitoba and I was running out of explanations, my depression got worse. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me! By this time I was over 310 lbs, I would huff and puff up a flight of stairs. I was so out of shape and out of energy, I really, really came close to calling it quits on life - though I doubt most people around me knew that.
My parents offered me, once again, to come home. They could see it wasn't working in Winnipeg. My sacrifice to stay out west so that I could be close to my kids from my first marriage was taking it's toll on me.
As I planned to leave the place I was living for 12 years, I discussed the changes with friends I had made on IRC.
"Are you sure this is what you want to do" - well Winnipeg wasn't working out, why not?
"Are you going to have to leave your older two as they live with your ex?" - Yes, that's what was making the move so much harder on me.
I answered a lot of what ifs and how abouts and told them I was dead-set on moving back to the Maritimes.
"There comes a time when a guys gotta do what a guy's gotta do, and move on with life" - I responded to the channel as a final closure to any more questions or arguments. Then the next line from one of my online friends caught me by surprise:
"Wait, wait, you're a guy?!"
Well, that's what it says on my profile, picture included, but the question caught me off-guard. Why would she think otherwise? Looking back on some of our conversations over the past few months (gotta love log files), I noticed that a lot of what we talked about was girl-talk. Relationships, weather, fashion, art, poetry... She thought I was female...
I had that in the back of my head as I came back to the Maritimes nearly 3 months ahead of my wife and kids. The goal was to find a job and a place to stay for when they would join me after the school year ended. I moved to Halifax, closer to where my parents lived. The job prospects of the larger port city seemed like a better choice on getting settled. Soon after moving East, I came across a W5 documentary that I'd taped. The topic was transgender - a new topic for gender in the new millennium. I had a few friends in the Pride community at work, and they said it was really good. So I watched it, and watched it, and watched it again. Something sunk in.. something so similar to how I felt. Particularly the trans-woman and her wife.
From there I did a lot of research. Thank goodness for high-speed Internet. There is almost as much miss-information out there as there is valid information when it comes to the topic of transgender. Fortunately, more and more reputable and support sites are burying the older, unreliable ones, but it was still a lot of information to dig through.
During this time I started playing MMOs (Massive Multiplayer Online games). It started with public servers with NeverWinter Nights, then World of Warcraft, and others. With WoW, I started a social experiment. I created both male and female characters. I played both, didn't genderfy myself to other players out of character, and really got into the personalities of some of the characters I created.
Soon, I noticed that the friends and guild-mates I made online were addressing me in female pronouns, regardless of the character I was playing. I never encouraged or discouraged it, they chose from my online mannerisms that I was female in real life. The 'light bulb' moment came one night when I was playing my gnome mage. With this character I even performed an in-game marriage ceremony to my wife's character and we pretty much did everything together, rarely were the two characters apart. One night, while she was finishing up supper, I decided to dabble around with crafting and then role-play, I didn't want to go out adventuring without my wife's toon. But something was 'off'. Without my wife to bounce off of, the gnome character lacked depth and personality on his own, I had trouble playing him solo. One of my guild-mates suggested that I have a problem portraying a male persona.... and reading that comment was like hitting the brick wall of awareness.
"I think I'm a girl" I blurt out loud to my wife who had poked her head out of the kitchen to tell us supper was almost ready. "About time you figured that one out." she commented off-handedly and went back to plating supper... "What do you mean about time I figured that out?!" My horrible secret that I thought I had kept to myself all these years, and she had known - for a long time.
By the time I saw a therapist on the topic, I knew almost as much as he did on the subject. But did it apply to who I was? Well, 8 months of therapy later, it was decided that yes, it would work - without loosing my family.
I know my transition came suddenly for so many of you. Many people didn't find out that I was transitioning till I was about to start hormones, which was 2 years into my actual transition. But this is something that I've held buried for so many agonizing years... Like many trans-women, I did live a double-life for first part.. Some for work reasons, some for societal necessity. But after 6 months on hormones, I couldn't take it anymore. I've been happily living as a woman full time for over 2 and a half years now.
This is where I go back to my being Two-spirited:
I don't have plans for gender 'corrective' surgery. There is a reason why I have 4 children. I've always enjoyed that part of my sexuality. As long as it all still works down there, I don't see a need to change things. This doesn't make me any less trans, in fact it's perfectly normal. Not every trans-woman feels the need to trade one side of the binary for the other. I'm actually rather happy in this middle zone that I'm in. My need for transition has always been societal. I needed to be female so that people would stop asking me why I was so weird, emotional and feminine. As I've been trying to tell some of you. I am where I've wanted to be.. a mix of both genders. It doesn't make me any less a woman. I certainly have no problems being seen as female wherever I go.
Am I done my transition? Mostly. There are a few things I would like to do - if I had the funds:
- Some hair removal on my face and belly. The rest of my body hair has shifted to being typical for a woman, so there's no need to change what I have.
- Orchidectomy, Better known as castration. I've gone 11 years since my vasectomy wanting to get rid of these offending nuggets, it would also mean not having to take those disgusting-tasting anti-androgen pills.
I could probably add other minor facial tweaks that aren't rally that necessary anymore. After 3 years on hormones, my body's feminized fine that I don't need any serious body modifications that some trans-folk feel they need to have.
Some of you have argued that I should have thought of my children before transition. Well, to be blunt, I thought it would be better for them to have me like this than not having a father at all. For all those who are so against 'what I've done', you have no idea how close I was to suicide! Had I not transitioned, I would not be here today. It honestly had bee reduced to a matter of life or eventual death, which choice would you have taken?
For the record, my children are adapting to my transition better than most of you who think it's still a problem. So, I will ask you to quit telling me my children are miserable. I speak to all my children, and we have an honest communication between us. Quit feeding them garbage and confusing them. Quit projecting your own insecurities as theirs. It's hurtful, confusing, and mean. I speak with them. And when I find out you are lying for whatever reason, it breaks what trust we have with you. If they have questions, I can answer their questions better than any of you can - not only is it my body and my life that's being affected; I doubt many of you have done anywhere close to the scope of research that I've done into transgender issues.
I apologize that the end of this rather long blog has taken on a negative tone. There's been enough hostility and negativity lately, I felt I needed to get this out. I've spent enough nights crying, thank you. And yes, I cry. I laugh, I'm wonderfully emotional as any other woman would be. That's the joys of the hormone therapy.
