The pain of being an after-thought.

So, I logged on to facebook today to see a comment from my daughter that she is getting married today.
As much as I would love to congratulate her, wish her all the best, and hope they have a long life together.. I can't help but feel conflicted. That I was so left out of her special day of all days to not even be told what day she was getting married ahead of time. I struggle to think of what injustice I have done for her to hate me so much as to exclude me from everything in her life.

This is my first born, and a child I love with all my heart. Yet, since moving to Nova Scotia, she has slowly drifted away from me - where I'm lucky if I hear from her once a year. She won't hesitate to call my parents with special or important news, yet - when I reminder her that I am but a call away - she always hesitates. I don't have gifts to pamper her with, we're constantly struggling to keep ourselves housed and fed. Outside of facebook, she's move around enough that I have no idea where she is or what she does anymore, because, I seem to mean so little to her, that I only find out about important times of her life after the fact. Like how today is her wedding day.
I wonder if she remembers that today is her brother Daniel's birthday. Like me, the family here are all sort of an after-thought for her. While the boys all seem to keep in touch with one-another, she's been distant for more years than I can remember.

I admit, I have not been the perfect parent. There was a time before my transition and at the start of my transition where I pushed many people away. I barely liked myself, and closed myself off of much of the world. I'm not proud of that time in my life. I'm sure I hurt many people close to me in the process.
It took me years to discover who I really was, and not just some automaton, working through life to feed their family, and thinking of little else.  And it's probably this period of time that has earned this state of pushing me out of her life.

But it still hurts. I hope that, deep down, she learns that I still do love her. She's left a hole in my heart, that leaks tears whenever I think of it. This is her choice though, I can't make her call me, I can't make her reach out to me.

For that I am sorry.
I've lost something precious in my life, and I have no idea how to get it back.