A letter to my daughter.

   This is a follow-up from last week's post. Just when I thought the pain of being left out of my daughter's wedding couldn't get any worse.. a week later, the pictures started coming in. I first had to un-follow my mother. Who thought it would be a great idea to broadcast the 'wonderful' pictures she took while she was in Winnipeg of the wedding. The thought had occurred to me to completely remove my mother from my life. I could also take my mother's careless blundering, she wanted to share with friends and family, I'm just a sideline casualty in all this. I've often felt left out when it comes to family. I generally find out about many things after the fact, sometimes weeks or months later. Granted I'm no the best at keeping in touch with people, so I cannot lay the blame solely on my family. While my parents haven't been overall supportive or appreciative on my transition, we have reached a state of mock acceptance. We don't argue about it, so I guess, if that's all I'm going to get, then I might as well take what I have. As hard as it is sometimes, removing one's parents from your life is not an easy decision - or so I had hoped would be the case for my daughter.

   What hurt the most was my daughter's post today: A picture of her with my parents with the tagline: "Couldn't of been happier to have two of the of most important people of my life at Brenden and I's wedding. It was a magical day ♡"
That was the last straw. I couldn't take it anymore. No, I'm not going to post the picture, it's too painful. I remember a time when I was one of the most important people in her life, but that bond has been absent for a long time.
So, I sent her this message as a reply... I was very tempted to just post it to her wall. But I'm angry with her, unlike some members of my family, I try not to air family squabbles on a public page.

I wasn't originally going to post something about recent events. But, I'm at a point I need to get this off my chest. As much as I've struggled to provide for you, all the effort I made to be in your left in Winnipeg, and trying to make it work after we moved.. you don't seem to have appreciated anything that I've done for you. Something happened just before my transition. You got distant. I barely heard from you... I would find out about your achievements, your special moments, your victories after the fact. Sometimes weeks or even months after everyone else knew. How I suddenly became unimportant in your life, I don't know. Though I've tried valiantly to be supportive, to be proud, to admire the strong, hard working, dedicated woman you've become, I'm always an after thought to you ... if anything. So, you get married this summer. You purposefully, malignantly leave me out of one of the most important days of your life, and I am struggling to figure out WHY.And not only have you hurt me, but you've decided in your selfish behaviour to leave your brothers out of this as well. Two people who have done nothing wrong to you. Two people who don't deserve your hatred or ire. They are your family, and yet you have discarded them like a forgotten memory. 
Fortunately René is too young to grasp what you have done. All he knows is that I'm very upset, and that it's something you have done. 
Daniel on the other hand. He knows fully what you have done. Not only did you not tell him your wedding date, leave him out of any and all planning, didn't send him an invitation... you planned your wedding in his birthday - or did you forget that the 6th was his birthday? It wouldn't surprise me, you don't seem to care about anyone else besides who's immediately in your life. 
So, fine. I get it. You hate me, and you've written me out of your life. I understand that now. As much as I've tried to be part of yours in the past, I won't bother anymore. It hurts too much to realize you no longer care. Don't expect anything else from me again. 

   I probably could have worded this better. Or gone into a longer statement. I don't think she'll ever grasp at the pain she's caused today. As I stated above, the past 6-8 years, I only find out about her achievements after the fact. Sometimes weeks or months later. I'm still struggling at what horrible thing I could have done to have my daughter hate me so. 
The past few years have not been easy. Between discovering myself, and struggling to keep a roof over our heads, our family fed, the kids provided for with at least what they need - though I wish I could have given them more. The struggles of living in poverty don't lend to having much left to give. And in that absence of material giving, she's decided that this is proof that I no longer love her - or ever did... all the sacrifices I've made over the years. All the sacrifices WE'VE made....
I never wanted to stay in Winnipeg, I struggled from dead-end job to dead-end job. We sacrificed so much so that I could be with my children. And when I could take it no more. When I had reached over 300 lbs, and my depression had reached a suicidal level, I needed to rebuild my life. As much as it pained me to leave Carole and Patric behind, I had no choice. And even know their mother was suppose to help in moving the kids between provinces, so I could still be part of their lives, she never did. What little money we had, we saved to bring them to Nova Scotia a few times... but then money got too tight. We couldn't afford it any longer.  

   From what I glanced at her bitter reply is still blaming me for not being communicative. I guess we can go on blaming each other for this... No I've not read it, I saw enough in the first 2 lines to know I probably don't want to read the rest. Considering I told my children about my transition before I even told my parents, she still holds it against me. Communication is a two-way street. We could probably yell at each other for longer than I can count as to who's fault it is for what, and I wonder if it's worth the effort. She has no idea how her mother has used information I've told her in the past as a weapon against me. Every time I started a new job, or gained something, her mother had her hand out looking for more money. I learned, as a means to protect the ones who live under my roof to not tell my daughter certain things. But when she moved from home (which I only found out 6 months after the fact), I hoped that things would get better. That we could talk. But, no, she stayed distant. Slowly the bitterness grew stronger, and this is the result. 

   So, this is a stalemate. We'll each stay angry at each other, waiting for the other person to admit to fault. Yell, and cry, and yell some more. Hurt each other with words, to justify the pain we feel inside. I'm not going to play this game. I've said what I've needed to say. Whether she's actually read the full message I sent her, this or other blogs to try to understand just what has happened, I'll never know. I'm willing to talk, but I'll never forgive her what she's done this summer. She might feels she's justified somehow at removing me from her life. Well, this works both ways. I've cried enough, I'm done with hurting. As much as this pains me to say, I no longer have a daughter. She's written me out of her life, so I'm writing her out of mine.
    Carole, if you do manage to read this, know that I have, and always will love you. I'm not going to yell, I'm not going to scream at you, don't reply to this with vengeful words, I'll just remove them.

   When you are ready to talk, I will be here.