For those who believe in resurrection, this would be Karma. Where we benefit or pay for past experiences from our past life (or lives). So, Karma seems to hate me. I sometimes wonder what horrific things I have done in my past that would have me suffer so in this one.
While I've never committed any serious crimes or have any bad dealings with police, My life seems to be a serious case of 'bad luck'. When I was younger, it was not being able to fit in. I was teased, kept to myself, tried best to keep out of fights... I spent most of my youth with few friends. Having to learn to rely on myself.
Relying on myself became something I was expected. Often I was expected to be more responsible or act more mature than my age. So, if and when I did act out, or even act my age, my actions were frowned upon, and I sometimes experienced discipline for such. With no allowance, and having the wants that every child has, I always had some sort of activity that would earn money, so that I could have a few meager luxuries in life. I had the benefit of growing up in the 70s & 80s, were kids shoveling walkways, mowing lawns, raking leaves and other small chores were common. While my family was not rich, we did have enough to give us what we needed. Were were deemed middle-class people. I learned to be frugal to the point of often forming a dislike for expensive name-brand items.
My first marriage ended poorly, and has haunted me for years in the form of child maintenance and support. All the struggles and sacrifices I've done over the years didn't seem to get me anywhere, my older children see me as nothing more than some dead-beat who abandoned them 10 years ago when I moved out of province.
Due to my ADD (which I discovered in my early adulthood) School was a constant challenge, and I never got far. Oh, sure, I got through high school, I tried University, but never got far. I have a few vocational diplomas.. It's provided me with the benefit of bouncing in and out of the computer industry, but it's never really led far or helped my find a productive career.
I even tried to semi-successfully run my own computer support business. While it was a good supplementary income, I never seemed to earn enough to support my growing family and focus on just my business.In all, I've had so many odd jobs and short term contracts, that I could easily fill a resume with 3-5 pages of previous employers. I keep the list shorter than that, but what is there often leads some new recruiters to be hesitant in hiring me. I'm often seen as not being stable, or dependable, I'm not a company drone... Or as one manager proclaimed: I'm not a team player. My independent drive to rely on myself is often seen as unfit for a corporate setting. Outside of my business, the longest I've worked for any company was 4 years. That's 20+ years bouncing from job to job, being on and off EI, social assistance, working for temp agencies, relying sometimes on food banks...
In my adult life, I've had the unfortunate experience to know the pains of being poor. Of always struggling to keep my family housed, and fed, struggling to keep the bills paid, and not being able to save much of anything. We often had to make due from paycheque to paycheque, there never seems to be enough. New clothing comes as gifts for 2nd hand items - either purchased from thrift stores or handed down from friends. I've starved myself to keep food on the table. And the only times I've had any significant vacation time in over a decade has been periods of unemployment. I can't travel, can't afford a car, and have probably missed out on more than one opportunity for lacking a driver's license - as I've never been able to afford the classes to get one. The struggles I've faced, and the sacrifices I've made to support my family are endless. And yet, many of my extended family seem to think this whole being poor 'thing' is just an act. That I seem to have more than I let on, or live better than we do... It's like they cannot fathom what it's like to go through life constantly missing something.. and being raised to be a strong independent, self-supportive person, I myself have trouble reaching out and asking for help. Sometimes asking for help is counter-productive, 'help' seems to always have conditions, or a cost.. sometimes asking for help gets me no-where, like our move into the house that took us months to complete. Having to pay months for an apartment because we couldn't get help to finish moving everything out. As such, our house is jumble of mismatched boxes. As we moved what we could when we could, so it's not half as organized as I would like it to be, and the energy required to sort the house is often overwhelming.
On the positive side: Sorting out my gender issues seems to have helped me finally sort out who I am. It's done a marked improvement of how I see things, and how many people see me. While it's improved many social issues, It's not really improved our quality of life, we're still broke, still struggling, though no longer being seriously depressed and suicidal has made an improvement in my self esteem. It's still something I struggle with from time to time, it creeps in at the most unexpected moments, and it's a struggle much of my family can't seem to comprehend. Perhaps I hid it too well for all these years for them to realize just how long I've been unhappy in life. Like many comedians, I often make it my goal in life to make someone smile. Whether it be a pun, off-the-cuff comment or simple joke, I get a lot of joy seeing people smile - for often I have trouble smiling and laughing myself. At least I can cheer someone else up, even when I feel empty inside.
It often feels like I'm trapped in the middle - of everything. I've had jobs that I was way to smart for, other jobs that I felt I was the least intelligent in the team. I'm a good strong worker, but sometimes I'm not. I will endeavour to get things done right, then find out I've been doing other things wrong. Some days I feel like I can just coast through everything, only to meet up with a brick wall later on. I sometimes feel like I'm not allowed to progress or move forward. That I'm somehow doomed in life to never get anywhere... I get this sense of being incomplete, like something missing is just close enough to see, but always out of reach.
This week I start yet another customer service job. I've had many over the years, for various companies, for various products. I have the benefit of being flexible and a quick learner - often picking up material and content faster than many of my peers. I'm good at dealing with people. I've had more than one person ask me how I do this line of work, and I really don't have an answer for it. It's just something I'm good at, not necessarily something I enjoy, but it's what I can do.. which helps pay the bills, and puts food on the table. This is actually the second time I've worked for the same company, while customer service is the position, sales is the focus within the office. While the goals seem simple, I wonder just how this will end up compared to other jobs I've had in the past. Will this actually lead to something good, or is this just another stepping stone in my life that will lead to other jobs?
I see so many possibilities, yet see so many dead-ends at the same time. Perhaps I've become jaded with life, and I'm just waiting for the 'bad luck' moment to sneak up and smack me back down - like it's done so many other times in my life.
This can sometimes take up to a year or more to surface, so I guess only time will tell.
As a side note:
Much of this post sounds quite gloomy, and I would like to state for the record that there have been happy bright times in my life. While growing up was a struggle, being independent did give me a measure of freedom that some of the friends I've made didn't experience.
There is, of course, the birth of my children. As hard as it is to raise a family in the lower-income bracket, I will never regret being a parent. Some of my happiest moments were created by or with my children, and I would never trade those moments for the world.
My wife Laura is often what keeps me going. I know it's not always been easy, and I'm sure there have been more than once that one or both of us have wanted to just give up on things... She has stayed with me through many hard times, she's shared in my laughter, my tears, my anger, my pain, being my rock as I was hers, working through many problems together, and sharing many special moments. She is my life mate, and I would be lost without her.
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