This is not the gift I wanted to share...

So.. my cold won't go away... no sooner do I think I'm starting to get better, that I'm starting that deep chest cough again...
This one I think came from my youngest son, seeing as he missed Friday school... poor kid, last day before the Holidays where some of the kids are trading gifts, and he misses out on it...

Well, outside of the deep cough, I 'relatively' feel okay, so I should be at work for the next couple of days so that I don't miss out on our Christmas pot-luck and Secret Santa event.

It does mean though, that I don't want to infect my parents with this cold, so we're not seeing them this Christmas...Considering everything else that's been going on, it's probably for the best....

Anyway, I'm going to keep it short for now...

Merry Christmas to all my friends and Family!

It's starting to look a lot like Christmas

I'm first going to apologize for not having updated my blog is so long, I had to check the date of my last posting....

I'm going to make a resolution to start being a bit more active in the blog... not sure if anyone still checks this or not...

So, we're having a chilly winter so far here in Halifax, at least compared to last year. With -5c, the dusting of snow we have on the ground is likely to stay till next week - unless we suddenly get a bout of warm weather.
I've not been talking much about what's been going on in my life. I guess I assume that my life is fairly unexciting compared to some of my other friends online.

First want to say that I have happily reached my 3rd year anniversary here at TD Insurance. I never thought I'd enjoy working for an insurance company, but, well, I'm still here. :)
It's been a fun bit of growth over the years. From starting of in account and billing with the customer support team, to now being a fully licensed insurance advisor. I'm primarily working the western market, which is interesting - seeing as I live almost on the other end of the continent from the majority of my customers. So, the biggest conversation piece is the weather, as we compare how temperatures and storms differ when you're over 3 thousand km away from each other. One of these days I'm going to reach the Rockies and see all the wonderful stuff my customers talk about.

I think the last thing I posted about was about my asthma.. which is still an on-going battle. I really need to get back in shape, the more sedentary I get, the worse my asthma punishes me.. so being a couch potato is literally a hazard to my health! The problem with being a geek and spending more time at a desk in front of a computer, instead of outside like I used to be.

I've had a serious addiction to the Sims4 lately... omg that game is annoyingly compelling. I can't say it's the most exciting game, you're effectively playing an interactive drama soap opera. You control most of your sim's (which is what they call the characters in the game) social interactions. It's like playing TV.... There are building components, so I can have fun building houses, and businesses, and making new personalities... but mostly, I've been having a lot of fun playing my characters out.. I'll create a concept and story idea for a sim, and try to keep the development of that sim within the story line I created. It actually isn't always easy, as NPC characters may or may not respond the way you would expect them to... I have a few stories if anyone wants additional details.

The 'joys' of asthma...

Sometime in my mid-20s, I discovered I had asthma. It's not life threatening - at least not normally. The doctor described it as: Stress-Induced Asthma. As long as I could keep my body, mentally and physically, under control... I could control the asthma.
So, over the years, I've tried to keep physical, emotional and mental stress at a controllable rate. It's not always worked, I have a bad tendency to push myself past boundaries to get things done. The end result takes form in a Ventolin puffer that I'll end up taking to a month, maybe 3 - until I get my breathing under control again.

As I've become less active over the past couple of years, this buffer seems to be thinner. In the past 3 years, I seem to have needed to be on Ventolin during the fall months, once winter sets in, I seem to be able to manage, and life goes on.
This year was a bit different. About 4 weeks ago, as everyone was catching colds, I got hit with a major sinus head cold. After a week, it set into my lungs, I was worried that - once again - I would be on antibiotics to deal with yet another case of Bronchitis. While, after a little over a week, the cold went away, the coughing didn't. It wasn't a horrible cough, nothing that would indicate bronchitis, but it was annoying - and stared to affect my energy levels. I was finding it increasingly harder to breathe! So, I gave in to my usual stubborn stance of letting my body take care of itself, and went to see the doctor. She confirmed my suspicions, it wasn't an infection, but I was easily dealing with only half of my normal lung capacity. On top of the Ventolin - which, by the way, seems to be doing little to help me this year... annoyingly enough. It's suppose to last 4 hours, I'm lucky it helps for 2... I'm also taking another called Zenhale. It's stronger and requires me to rinse out my mouth after taking it. I only take it twice a day, and it's doing wonders at helping me feel closer to my normal again.

As I work in Customer Service still, only this time for TD Insurance, I can almost guarantee you that I struggle with stress on a regular basis. Being short-staffed lately hasn't helped much either. We've been down to only 5 bilingual reps for a good month now, and the call volumes are often high enough to threaten the loss of my voice. I've already lost 3 sick days to this lack of lung capacity, and sometimes I come close to going home early... but I'm managing. I've never had my asthma hit me this bad before...

People who don't suffer with asthma don't know the trials it can possess. Waking up in the morning to your lungs feeling like they're on fire. Having to stop after or during conversations to deal with coughing. Reduced energy, as your body has to function on less oxygen...

It's even worse when you're not used to dealing with this day-to-day, and are suddenly faced with only being able to do half of what you are used to being able to do. I'm constantly having to remind myself to slow down, calm down, take a bit more time, not to rush things.... activities I normally have energy for are now a taxing experience. Just doing the dishes warrants needing a nap now! It's frustrating... possibly more so to friends and co-workers, manages - who are used to seeing me be able to do more. Some days it feels like I'm walking through a strong current, taking me twice the energy to do just the simplest of tasks.

There does seem to be a ray of sunshine over the hill though.. my breathing has much improved in the week I've been on my puffers. I've even felt normal on occasion - only to hit a brick wall of sorts as I suddenly become short of breath and start a coughing fit. But it is slowly improving. Provided I try not to push myself too far too soon,

I'm going to be optimistic and give myself till the end of the month. I would generally push myself sooner, but I'm learning the hard way that I need to slow down a bit more than usual. I wonder if this is in-part my body punishing me for not getting back into cycling this summer.... When I keep some sort of regular physical activity, impairments - like this asthma - seem to be easier to control... it's a little late to fix my front tire now, but we'll see come spring if that works.

Introspection

  I'm writing this blog mostly to sort through my own thoughts - as I look back on my life and my various struggles. The constant troubles I've had in life, would lead one to believe I've been handed the proverbial short-end of the stick...
  For those who believe in resurrection, this would be Karma. Where we benefit or pay for past experiences from our past life (or lives). So, Karma seems to hate me. I sometimes wonder what horrific things I have done in my past that would have me suffer so in this one.

  While I've never committed any serious crimes or have any bad dealings with police, My life seems to be a serious case of 'bad luck'. When I was younger, it was not being able to fit in. I was teased, kept to myself, tried best to keep out of fights... I spent most of my youth with few friends. Having to learn to rely on myself.
  Relying on myself became something I was expected. Often I was expected to be more responsible or act more mature than my age. So, if and when I did act out, or even act my age, my actions were frowned upon, and I sometimes experienced discipline for such. With no allowance, and having the wants that every child has, I always had some sort of activity that would earn money, so that I could have a few meager luxuries in life. I had the benefit of growing up in the 70s & 80s, were kids shoveling walkways, mowing lawns, raking leaves and other small chores were common. While my family was not rich, we did have enough to give us what we needed. Were were deemed middle-class people. I learned to be frugal to the point of often forming a dislike for expensive name-brand items.

  My first marriage ended poorly, and has haunted me for years in the form of child maintenance and support. All the struggles and sacrifices I've done over the years didn't seem to get me anywhere, my older children see me as nothing more than some dead-beat who abandoned them 10 years ago when I moved out of province.

  Due to my ADD (which I discovered in my early adulthood) School was a constant challenge, and I never got far. Oh, sure, I got through high school, I tried University, but never got far. I have a few vocational diplomas.. It's provided me with the benefit of bouncing in and out of the computer industry, but it's never really led far or helped my find a productive career. 

  I even tried to semi-successfully run my own computer support business. While it was a good supplementary income, I never seemed to earn enough to support my growing family and focus on just my business.
  In all, I've had so many odd jobs and short term contracts, that I could easily fill a resume with 3-5 pages of previous employers. I keep the list shorter than that, but what is there often leads some new recruiters to be hesitant in hiring me. I'm often seen as not being stable, or dependable, I'm not a company drone... Or as one manager proclaimed: I'm not a team player. My independent drive to rely on myself is often seen as unfit for a corporate setting. Outside of my business, the longest I've worked for any company was 4 years. That's 20+ years bouncing from job to job, being on and off EI, social assistance, working for temp agencies, relying sometimes on food banks...

  In my adult life, I've had the unfortunate experience to know the pains of being poor. Of always struggling to keep my family housed, and fed, struggling to keep the bills paid, and not being able to save much of anything. We often had to make due from paycheque to paycheque, there never seems to be enough. New clothing comes as gifts for 2nd hand items - either purchased from thrift stores or handed down from friends.  I've starved myself to keep food on the table. And the only times I've had any significant vacation time in over a decade has been periods of unemployment. I can't travel, can't afford a car, and have probably missed out on more than one opportunity for lacking a driver's license - as I've never been able to afford the classes to get one. The struggles I've faced, and the sacrifices I've made to support my family are endless. And yet, many of my extended family seem to think this whole being poor 'thing' is just an act. That I seem to have more than I let on, or live better than we do... It's like they cannot fathom what it's like to go through life constantly missing something.. and being raised to be a strong independent, self-supportive person, I myself have trouble reaching out and asking for help. Sometimes asking for help is counter-productive, 'help' seems to always have conditions, or a cost.. sometimes asking for help gets me no-where, like our move into the house that took us months to complete. Having to pay months for an apartment because we couldn't get help to finish moving everything out. As such, our house is jumble of mismatched boxes. As we moved what we could when we could, so it's not half as organized as I would like it to be, and the energy required to sort the house is often overwhelming.

  On the positive side: Sorting out my gender issues seems to have helped me finally sort out who I am. It's done a marked improvement of how I see things, and how many people see me. While it's improved many social issues, It's not really improved our quality of life, we're still broke, still struggling, though no longer being seriously depressed and suicidal has made an improvement in my self esteem. It's still something I struggle with from time to time, it creeps in at the most unexpected moments, and it's a struggle much of my family can't seem to comprehend. Perhaps I hid it too well for all these years for them to realize just how long I've been unhappy in life. Like many comedians, I often make it my goal in life to make someone smile. Whether it be a pun, off-the-cuff comment or simple joke, I get a lot of joy seeing people smile - for often I have trouble smiling and laughing myself. At least I can cheer someone else up, even when I feel empty inside.

   It often feels like I'm trapped in the middle - of everything. I've had jobs that I was way to smart for, other jobs that I felt I was the least intelligent in the team. I'm a good strong worker, but sometimes I'm not. I will endeavour to get things done right, then find out I've been doing other things wrong. Some days I feel like I can just coast through everything, only to meet up with a brick wall later on. I sometimes feel like I'm not allowed to progress or move forward. That I'm somehow doomed in life to never get anywhere... I get this sense of being incomplete, like something missing is just close enough to see, but always out of reach.

  This week I start yet another customer service job. I've had many over the years, for various companies, for various products. I have the benefit of being flexible and a quick learner - often picking up material and content faster than many of my peers. I'm good at dealing with people. I've had more than one person ask me how I do this line of work, and I really don't have an answer for it. It's just something I'm good at, not necessarily something I enjoy, but it's what I can do.. which helps pay the bills, and puts food on the table. This is actually the second time I've worked for the same company, while customer service is the position, sales is the focus within the office. While the goals seem simple, I wonder just how this will end up compared to other jobs I've had in the past. Will this actually lead to something good, or is this just another stepping stone in my life that will lead to other jobs?
  I see so many possibilities, yet see so many dead-ends at the same time. Perhaps I've become jaded with life, and I'm just waiting for the 'bad luck' moment to sneak up and smack me back down - like it's done so many other times in my life.
   This can sometimes take up to a year or more to surface, so I guess only time will tell.

As a side note:
  Much of this post sounds quite gloomy, and I would like to state for the record that there have been happy bright times in my life. While growing up was a struggle, being independent did give me a measure of freedom that some of the friends I've made didn't experience.
  There is, of course, the birth of my children. As hard as it is to raise a family in the lower-income bracket, I will never regret being a parent. Some of my happiest moments were created by or with my children, and I would never trade those moments for the world.
   My wife Laura is often what keeps me going. I know it's not always been easy, and I'm sure there have been more than once that one or both of us have wanted to just give up on things... She has stayed with me through many hard times, she's shared in my laughter, my tears, my anger, my pain, being my rock as I was hers, working through many problems together, and sharing many special moments. She is my life mate, and I would be lost without her.

A letter to my daughter.

   This is a follow-up from last week's post. Just when I thought the pain of being left out of my daughter's wedding couldn't get any worse.. a week later, the pictures started coming in. I first had to un-follow my mother. Who thought it would be a great idea to broadcast the 'wonderful' pictures she took while she was in Winnipeg of the wedding. The thought had occurred to me to completely remove my mother from my life. I could also take my mother's careless blundering, she wanted to share with friends and family, I'm just a sideline casualty in all this. I've often felt left out when it comes to family. I generally find out about many things after the fact, sometimes weeks or months later. Granted I'm no the best at keeping in touch with people, so I cannot lay the blame solely on my family. While my parents haven't been overall supportive or appreciative on my transition, we have reached a state of mock acceptance. We don't argue about it, so I guess, if that's all I'm going to get, then I might as well take what I have. As hard as it is sometimes, removing one's parents from your life is not an easy decision - or so I had hoped would be the case for my daughter.

   What hurt the most was my daughter's post today: A picture of her with my parents with the tagline: "Couldn't of been happier to have two of the of most important people of my life at Brenden and I's wedding. It was a magical day ♡"
That was the last straw. I couldn't take it anymore. No, I'm not going to post the picture, it's too painful. I remember a time when I was one of the most important people in her life, but that bond has been absent for a long time.
So, I sent her this message as a reply... I was very tempted to just post it to her wall. But I'm angry with her, unlike some members of my family, I try not to air family squabbles on a public page.

I wasn't originally going to post something about recent events. But, I'm at a point I need to get this off my chest. As much as I've struggled to provide for you, all the effort I made to be in your left in Winnipeg, and trying to make it work after we moved.. you don't seem to have appreciated anything that I've done for you. Something happened just before my transition. You got distant. I barely heard from you... I would find out about your achievements, your special moments, your victories after the fact. Sometimes weeks or even months after everyone else knew. How I suddenly became unimportant in your life, I don't know. Though I've tried valiantly to be supportive, to be proud, to admire the strong, hard working, dedicated woman you've become, I'm always an after thought to you ... if anything. So, you get married this summer. You purposefully, malignantly leave me out of one of the most important days of your life, and I am struggling to figure out WHY.And not only have you hurt me, but you've decided in your selfish behaviour to leave your brothers out of this as well. Two people who have done nothing wrong to you. Two people who don't deserve your hatred or ire. They are your family, and yet you have discarded them like a forgotten memory. 
Fortunately René is too young to grasp what you have done. All he knows is that I'm very upset, and that it's something you have done. 
Daniel on the other hand. He knows fully what you have done. Not only did you not tell him your wedding date, leave him out of any and all planning, didn't send him an invitation... you planned your wedding in his birthday - or did you forget that the 6th was his birthday? It wouldn't surprise me, you don't seem to care about anyone else besides who's immediately in your life. 
So, fine. I get it. You hate me, and you've written me out of your life. I understand that now. As much as I've tried to be part of yours in the past, I won't bother anymore. It hurts too much to realize you no longer care. Don't expect anything else from me again. 

   I probably could have worded this better. Or gone into a longer statement. I don't think she'll ever grasp at the pain she's caused today. As I stated above, the past 6-8 years, I only find out about her achievements after the fact. Sometimes weeks or months later. I'm still struggling at what horrible thing I could have done to have my daughter hate me so. 
The past few years have not been easy. Between discovering myself, and struggling to keep a roof over our heads, our family fed, the kids provided for with at least what they need - though I wish I could have given them more. The struggles of living in poverty don't lend to having much left to give. And in that absence of material giving, she's decided that this is proof that I no longer love her - or ever did... all the sacrifices I've made over the years. All the sacrifices WE'VE made....
I never wanted to stay in Winnipeg, I struggled from dead-end job to dead-end job. We sacrificed so much so that I could be with my children. And when I could take it no more. When I had reached over 300 lbs, and my depression had reached a suicidal level, I needed to rebuild my life. As much as it pained me to leave Carole and Patric behind, I had no choice. And even know their mother was suppose to help in moving the kids between provinces, so I could still be part of their lives, she never did. What little money we had, we saved to bring them to Nova Scotia a few times... but then money got too tight. We couldn't afford it any longer.  

   From what I glanced at her bitter reply is still blaming me for not being communicative. I guess we can go on blaming each other for this... No I've not read it, I saw enough in the first 2 lines to know I probably don't want to read the rest. Considering I told my children about my transition before I even told my parents, she still holds it against me. Communication is a two-way street. We could probably yell at each other for longer than I can count as to who's fault it is for what, and I wonder if it's worth the effort. She has no idea how her mother has used information I've told her in the past as a weapon against me. Every time I started a new job, or gained something, her mother had her hand out looking for more money. I learned, as a means to protect the ones who live under my roof to not tell my daughter certain things. But when she moved from home (which I only found out 6 months after the fact), I hoped that things would get better. That we could talk. But, no, she stayed distant. Slowly the bitterness grew stronger, and this is the result. 

   So, this is a stalemate. We'll each stay angry at each other, waiting for the other person to admit to fault. Yell, and cry, and yell some more. Hurt each other with words, to justify the pain we feel inside. I'm not going to play this game. I've said what I've needed to say. Whether she's actually read the full message I sent her, this or other blogs to try to understand just what has happened, I'll never know. I'm willing to talk, but I'll never forgive her what she's done this summer. She might feels she's justified somehow at removing me from her life. Well, this works both ways. I've cried enough, I'm done with hurting. As much as this pains me to say, I no longer have a daughter. She's written me out of her life, so I'm writing her out of mine.
    Carole, if you do manage to read this, know that I have, and always will love you. I'm not going to yell, I'm not going to scream at you, don't reply to this with vengeful words, I'll just remove them.

   When you are ready to talk, I will be here.

The pain of being an after-thought.

So, I logged on to facebook today to see a comment from my daughter that she is getting married today.
As much as I would love to congratulate her, wish her all the best, and hope they have a long life together.. I can't help but feel conflicted. That I was so left out of her special day of all days to not even be told what day she was getting married ahead of time. I struggle to think of what injustice I have done for her to hate me so much as to exclude me from everything in her life.

This is my first born, and a child I love with all my heart. Yet, since moving to Nova Scotia, she has slowly drifted away from me - where I'm lucky if I hear from her once a year. She won't hesitate to call my parents with special or important news, yet - when I reminder her that I am but a call away - she always hesitates. I don't have gifts to pamper her with, we're constantly struggling to keep ourselves housed and fed. Outside of facebook, she's move around enough that I have no idea where she is or what she does anymore, because, I seem to mean so little to her, that I only find out about important times of her life after the fact. Like how today is her wedding day.
I wonder if she remembers that today is her brother Daniel's birthday. Like me, the family here are all sort of an after-thought for her. While the boys all seem to keep in touch with one-another, she's been distant for more years than I can remember.

I admit, I have not been the perfect parent. There was a time before my transition and at the start of my transition where I pushed many people away. I barely liked myself, and closed myself off of much of the world. I'm not proud of that time in my life. I'm sure I hurt many people close to me in the process.
It took me years to discover who I really was, and not just some automaton, working through life to feed their family, and thinking of little else.  And it's probably this period of time that has earned this state of pushing me out of her life.

But it still hurts. I hope that, deep down, she learns that I still do love her. She's left a hole in my heart, that leaks tears whenever I think of it. This is her choice though, I can't make her call me, I can't make her reach out to me.

For that I am sorry.
I've lost something precious in my life, and I have no idea how to get it back.

Unfriending on facebook can be detoxifying.

I don't like unfriending people. I try to respect people's opinions - even when they differ from mine. Everyone is entitled to form their own opinions, I may disagree with what they say from time to time, but I try to not to push my view over theirs... note I said "I try". I will often get to a point that I have to agree to just disagree with a person and let the argument drop - for the sake of a friendship that means more than the argument.

But when someone tells me that the term Transgender doesn't exist; that I'm a 3rd gender that is merely 'transitioning' as I haven't latched onto a oh-so-necessary binary choice; that I should never be allowed into a women's washroom due to an arbitrary mark on my birth certificated - Pretending they respect me but calling me a fake person behind my back...

Well, we're not friends anymore... I can only take so many insults before I give up on giving people another chance to explain themselves.
I understand that not everyone gets transgender issues, or even fathom the concept of a non-binary person. But to blatantly state that I'm not real, my problems don't exist, nor do they respect the several dozen trans men and women I've come to know and call friends over the years. For, in his small mind, there are only two choices, and a person is trapped in their gender marker from birth - whether they identify with it or not.
People like this don't know the struggle many of us face. The sadness, confusion, and loneliness for not belonging, never feeling adequate, unable to find our place in society, trying our best to not stand out, because fear of the unknown can often lead to violent outbursts.
The friends I know who have harmed themselves in order to punish their bodies for not being who they feel they should be.
Reading almost weekly that another transgender person has taken their own lives because they couldn't take the abuse anymore - or had their lives taken away for them from those abusers.
- The transgender population is the butt of the jokes, We are constantly ridiculed in movies, media and music.
- We have this highest level of depression and suicide than any other minority group.
- We get fired from jobs once we start transition or can't find jobs at all.
- We are cut off from health care, or mistreated by health care professionals who see us as nothing more than a freak of nature. We are somehow untreatable, meanwhile our physiology is the same as anyone else's.

With so much of society against us, do you think we actually CHOSE to be transgender? Well I guess you can consider choosing to live who we are or death is a choice - much like we chose to breathe air or we suffocate. And yes, it is that simple.
I spent years burying myself under a shell of expectations. Suffocating the real me for fear that I wouldn't be able to function in society.
Effeminate men who are gay, while still being teased and scoffed at, are accepted in society, sometimes grudgingly, but their femininity can excused as a side affect of their homosexuality.
I was not gay, well not in the male sense. I was never attracted to men growing up, and often equated myself to a lesbian trapped in a male shell - not realizing how true that statement was.
So, while gay men are accepted in society, an effeminate straight male was not. There was something 'wrong' with me. I had to hide emotions, watch the way I walked, constantly check my expressions and speech, wait till I could be friends with people before showing any affection or empathy.
Cause men didn't show feelings, and feminine displays are a sign of weakness and shamed.

Transgender people are asking for two things:
1) Equal Rights - to receive the same basic human rights everyone has.
2) To be left Alone. We just want to live our lives. To be just people, just like everyone else, and no longer paraded throughout media as some freak show to be put on display!