This is not the gift I wanted to share...

So.. my cold won't go away... no sooner do I think I'm starting to get better, that I'm starting that deep chest cough again...
This one I think came from my youngest son, seeing as he missed Friday school... poor kid, last day before the Holidays where some of the kids are trading gifts, and he misses out on it...

Well, outside of the deep cough, I 'relatively' feel okay, so I should be at work for the next couple of days so that I don't miss out on our Christmas pot-luck and Secret Santa event.

It does mean though, that I don't want to infect my parents with this cold, so we're not seeing them this Christmas...Considering everything else that's been going on, it's probably for the best....

Anyway, I'm going to keep it short for now...

Merry Christmas to all my friends and Family!

It's starting to look a lot like Christmas

I'm first going to apologize for not having updated my blog is so long, I had to check the date of my last posting....

I'm going to make a resolution to start being a bit more active in the blog... not sure if anyone still checks this or not...

So, we're having a chilly winter so far here in Halifax, at least compared to last year. With -5c, the dusting of snow we have on the ground is likely to stay till next week - unless we suddenly get a bout of warm weather.
I've not been talking much about what's been going on in my life. I guess I assume that my life is fairly unexciting compared to some of my other friends online.

First want to say that I have happily reached my 3rd year anniversary here at TD Insurance. I never thought I'd enjoy working for an insurance company, but, well, I'm still here. :)
It's been a fun bit of growth over the years. From starting of in account and billing with the customer support team, to now being a fully licensed insurance advisor. I'm primarily working the western market, which is interesting - seeing as I live almost on the other end of the continent from the majority of my customers. So, the biggest conversation piece is the weather, as we compare how temperatures and storms differ when you're over 3 thousand km away from each other. One of these days I'm going to reach the Rockies and see all the wonderful stuff my customers talk about.

I think the last thing I posted about was about my asthma.. which is still an on-going battle. I really need to get back in shape, the more sedentary I get, the worse my asthma punishes me.. so being a couch potato is literally a hazard to my health! The problem with being a geek and spending more time at a desk in front of a computer, instead of outside like I used to be.

I've had a serious addiction to the Sims4 lately... omg that game is annoyingly compelling. I can't say it's the most exciting game, you're effectively playing an interactive drama soap opera. You control most of your sim's (which is what they call the characters in the game) social interactions. It's like playing TV.... There are building components, so I can have fun building houses, and businesses, and making new personalities... but mostly, I've been having a lot of fun playing my characters out.. I'll create a concept and story idea for a sim, and try to keep the development of that sim within the story line I created. It actually isn't always easy, as NPC characters may or may not respond the way you would expect them to... I have a few stories if anyone wants additional details.

The 'joys' of asthma...

Sometime in my mid-20s, I discovered I had asthma. It's not life threatening - at least not normally. The doctor described it as: Stress-Induced Asthma. As long as I could keep my body, mentally and physically, under control... I could control the asthma.
So, over the years, I've tried to keep physical, emotional and mental stress at a controllable rate. It's not always worked, I have a bad tendency to push myself past boundaries to get things done. The end result takes form in a Ventolin puffer that I'll end up taking to a month, maybe 3 - until I get my breathing under control again.

As I've become less active over the past couple of years, this buffer seems to be thinner. In the past 3 years, I seem to have needed to be on Ventolin during the fall months, once winter sets in, I seem to be able to manage, and life goes on.
This year was a bit different. About 4 weeks ago, as everyone was catching colds, I got hit with a major sinus head cold. After a week, it set into my lungs, I was worried that - once again - I would be on antibiotics to deal with yet another case of Bronchitis. While, after a little over a week, the cold went away, the coughing didn't. It wasn't a horrible cough, nothing that would indicate bronchitis, but it was annoying - and stared to affect my energy levels. I was finding it increasingly harder to breathe! So, I gave in to my usual stubborn stance of letting my body take care of itself, and went to see the doctor. She confirmed my suspicions, it wasn't an infection, but I was easily dealing with only half of my normal lung capacity. On top of the Ventolin - which, by the way, seems to be doing little to help me this year... annoyingly enough. It's suppose to last 4 hours, I'm lucky it helps for 2... I'm also taking another called Zenhale. It's stronger and requires me to rinse out my mouth after taking it. I only take it twice a day, and it's doing wonders at helping me feel closer to my normal again.

As I work in Customer Service still, only this time for TD Insurance, I can almost guarantee you that I struggle with stress on a regular basis. Being short-staffed lately hasn't helped much either. We've been down to only 5 bilingual reps for a good month now, and the call volumes are often high enough to threaten the loss of my voice. I've already lost 3 sick days to this lack of lung capacity, and sometimes I come close to going home early... but I'm managing. I've never had my asthma hit me this bad before...

People who don't suffer with asthma don't know the trials it can possess. Waking up in the morning to your lungs feeling like they're on fire. Having to stop after or during conversations to deal with coughing. Reduced energy, as your body has to function on less oxygen...

It's even worse when you're not used to dealing with this day-to-day, and are suddenly faced with only being able to do half of what you are used to being able to do. I'm constantly having to remind myself to slow down, calm down, take a bit more time, not to rush things.... activities I normally have energy for are now a taxing experience. Just doing the dishes warrants needing a nap now! It's frustrating... possibly more so to friends and co-workers, manages - who are used to seeing me be able to do more. Some days it feels like I'm walking through a strong current, taking me twice the energy to do just the simplest of tasks.

There does seem to be a ray of sunshine over the hill though.. my breathing has much improved in the week I've been on my puffers. I've even felt normal on occasion - only to hit a brick wall of sorts as I suddenly become short of breath and start a coughing fit. But it is slowly improving. Provided I try not to push myself too far too soon,

I'm going to be optimistic and give myself till the end of the month. I would generally push myself sooner, but I'm learning the hard way that I need to slow down a bit more than usual. I wonder if this is in-part my body punishing me for not getting back into cycling this summer.... When I keep some sort of regular physical activity, impairments - like this asthma - seem to be easier to control... it's a little late to fix my front tire now, but we'll see come spring if that works.

Introspection

  I'm writing this blog mostly to sort through my own thoughts - as I look back on my life and my various struggles. The constant troubles I've had in life, would lead one to believe I've been handed the proverbial short-end of the stick...
  For those who believe in resurrection, this would be Karma. Where we benefit or pay for past experiences from our past life (or lives). So, Karma seems to hate me. I sometimes wonder what horrific things I have done in my past that would have me suffer so in this one.

  While I've never committed any serious crimes or have any bad dealings with police, My life seems to be a serious case of 'bad luck'. When I was younger, it was not being able to fit in. I was teased, kept to myself, tried best to keep out of fights... I spent most of my youth with few friends. Having to learn to rely on myself.
  Relying on myself became something I was expected. Often I was expected to be more responsible or act more mature than my age. So, if and when I did act out, or even act my age, my actions were frowned upon, and I sometimes experienced discipline for such. With no allowance, and having the wants that every child has, I always had some sort of activity that would earn money, so that I could have a few meager luxuries in life. I had the benefit of growing up in the 70s & 80s, were kids shoveling walkways, mowing lawns, raking leaves and other small chores were common. While my family was not rich, we did have enough to give us what we needed. Were were deemed middle-class people. I learned to be frugal to the point of often forming a dislike for expensive name-brand items.

  My first marriage ended poorly, and has haunted me for years in the form of child maintenance and support. All the struggles and sacrifices I've done over the years didn't seem to get me anywhere, my older children see me as nothing more than some dead-beat who abandoned them 10 years ago when I moved out of province.

  Due to my ADD (which I discovered in my early adulthood) School was a constant challenge, and I never got far. Oh, sure, I got through high school, I tried University, but never got far. I have a few vocational diplomas.. It's provided me with the benefit of bouncing in and out of the computer industry, but it's never really led far or helped my find a productive career. 

  I even tried to semi-successfully run my own computer support business. While it was a good supplementary income, I never seemed to earn enough to support my growing family and focus on just my business.
  In all, I've had so many odd jobs and short term contracts, that I could easily fill a resume with 3-5 pages of previous employers. I keep the list shorter than that, but what is there often leads some new recruiters to be hesitant in hiring me. I'm often seen as not being stable, or dependable, I'm not a company drone... Or as one manager proclaimed: I'm not a team player. My independent drive to rely on myself is often seen as unfit for a corporate setting. Outside of my business, the longest I've worked for any company was 4 years. That's 20+ years bouncing from job to job, being on and off EI, social assistance, working for temp agencies, relying sometimes on food banks...

  In my adult life, I've had the unfortunate experience to know the pains of being poor. Of always struggling to keep my family housed, and fed, struggling to keep the bills paid, and not being able to save much of anything. We often had to make due from paycheque to paycheque, there never seems to be enough. New clothing comes as gifts for 2nd hand items - either purchased from thrift stores or handed down from friends.  I've starved myself to keep food on the table. And the only times I've had any significant vacation time in over a decade has been periods of unemployment. I can't travel, can't afford a car, and have probably missed out on more than one opportunity for lacking a driver's license - as I've never been able to afford the classes to get one. The struggles I've faced, and the sacrifices I've made to support my family are endless. And yet, many of my extended family seem to think this whole being poor 'thing' is just an act. That I seem to have more than I let on, or live better than we do... It's like they cannot fathom what it's like to go through life constantly missing something.. and being raised to be a strong independent, self-supportive person, I myself have trouble reaching out and asking for help. Sometimes asking for help is counter-productive, 'help' seems to always have conditions, or a cost.. sometimes asking for help gets me no-where, like our move into the house that took us months to complete. Having to pay months for an apartment because we couldn't get help to finish moving everything out. As such, our house is jumble of mismatched boxes. As we moved what we could when we could, so it's not half as organized as I would like it to be, and the energy required to sort the house is often overwhelming.

  On the positive side: Sorting out my gender issues seems to have helped me finally sort out who I am. It's done a marked improvement of how I see things, and how many people see me. While it's improved many social issues, It's not really improved our quality of life, we're still broke, still struggling, though no longer being seriously depressed and suicidal has made an improvement in my self esteem. It's still something I struggle with from time to time, it creeps in at the most unexpected moments, and it's a struggle much of my family can't seem to comprehend. Perhaps I hid it too well for all these years for them to realize just how long I've been unhappy in life. Like many comedians, I often make it my goal in life to make someone smile. Whether it be a pun, off-the-cuff comment or simple joke, I get a lot of joy seeing people smile - for often I have trouble smiling and laughing myself. At least I can cheer someone else up, even when I feel empty inside.

   It often feels like I'm trapped in the middle - of everything. I've had jobs that I was way to smart for, other jobs that I felt I was the least intelligent in the team. I'm a good strong worker, but sometimes I'm not. I will endeavour to get things done right, then find out I've been doing other things wrong. Some days I feel like I can just coast through everything, only to meet up with a brick wall later on. I sometimes feel like I'm not allowed to progress or move forward. That I'm somehow doomed in life to never get anywhere... I get this sense of being incomplete, like something missing is just close enough to see, but always out of reach.

  This week I start yet another customer service job. I've had many over the years, for various companies, for various products. I have the benefit of being flexible and a quick learner - often picking up material and content faster than many of my peers. I'm good at dealing with people. I've had more than one person ask me how I do this line of work, and I really don't have an answer for it. It's just something I'm good at, not necessarily something I enjoy, but it's what I can do.. which helps pay the bills, and puts food on the table. This is actually the second time I've worked for the same company, while customer service is the position, sales is the focus within the office. While the goals seem simple, I wonder just how this will end up compared to other jobs I've had in the past. Will this actually lead to something good, or is this just another stepping stone in my life that will lead to other jobs?
  I see so many possibilities, yet see so many dead-ends at the same time. Perhaps I've become jaded with life, and I'm just waiting for the 'bad luck' moment to sneak up and smack me back down - like it's done so many other times in my life.
   This can sometimes take up to a year or more to surface, so I guess only time will tell.

As a side note:
  Much of this post sounds quite gloomy, and I would like to state for the record that there have been happy bright times in my life. While growing up was a struggle, being independent did give me a measure of freedom that some of the friends I've made didn't experience.
  There is, of course, the birth of my children. As hard as it is to raise a family in the lower-income bracket, I will never regret being a parent. Some of my happiest moments were created by or with my children, and I would never trade those moments for the world.
   My wife Laura is often what keeps me going. I know it's not always been easy, and I'm sure there have been more than once that one or both of us have wanted to just give up on things... She has stayed with me through many hard times, she's shared in my laughter, my tears, my anger, my pain, being my rock as I was hers, working through many problems together, and sharing many special moments. She is my life mate, and I would be lost without her.

A letter to my daughter.

   This is a follow-up from last week's post. Just when I thought the pain of being left out of my daughter's wedding couldn't get any worse.. a week later, the pictures started coming in. I first had to un-follow my mother. Who thought it would be a great idea to broadcast the 'wonderful' pictures she took while she was in Winnipeg of the wedding. The thought had occurred to me to completely remove my mother from my life. I could also take my mother's careless blundering, she wanted to share with friends and family, I'm just a sideline casualty in all this. I've often felt left out when it comes to family. I generally find out about many things after the fact, sometimes weeks or months later. Granted I'm no the best at keeping in touch with people, so I cannot lay the blame solely on my family. While my parents haven't been overall supportive or appreciative on my transition, we have reached a state of mock acceptance. We don't argue about it, so I guess, if that's all I'm going to get, then I might as well take what I have. As hard as it is sometimes, removing one's parents from your life is not an easy decision - or so I had hoped would be the case for my daughter.

   What hurt the most was my daughter's post today: A picture of her with my parents with the tagline: "Couldn't of been happier to have two of the of most important people of my life at Brenden and I's wedding. It was a magical day ♡"
That was the last straw. I couldn't take it anymore. No, I'm not going to post the picture, it's too painful. I remember a time when I was one of the most important people in her life, but that bond has been absent for a long time.
So, I sent her this message as a reply... I was very tempted to just post it to her wall. But I'm angry with her, unlike some members of my family, I try not to air family squabbles on a public page.

I wasn't originally going to post something about recent events. But, I'm at a point I need to get this off my chest. As much as I've struggled to provide for you, all the effort I made to be in your left in Winnipeg, and trying to make it work after we moved.. you don't seem to have appreciated anything that I've done for you. Something happened just before my transition. You got distant. I barely heard from you... I would find out about your achievements, your special moments, your victories after the fact. Sometimes weeks or even months after everyone else knew. How I suddenly became unimportant in your life, I don't know. Though I've tried valiantly to be supportive, to be proud, to admire the strong, hard working, dedicated woman you've become, I'm always an after thought to you ... if anything. So, you get married this summer. You purposefully, malignantly leave me out of one of the most important days of your life, and I am struggling to figure out WHY.And not only have you hurt me, but you've decided in your selfish behaviour to leave your brothers out of this as well. Two people who have done nothing wrong to you. Two people who don't deserve your hatred or ire. They are your family, and yet you have discarded them like a forgotten memory. 
Fortunately René is too young to grasp what you have done. All he knows is that I'm very upset, and that it's something you have done. 
Daniel on the other hand. He knows fully what you have done. Not only did you not tell him your wedding date, leave him out of any and all planning, didn't send him an invitation... you planned your wedding in his birthday - or did you forget that the 6th was his birthday? It wouldn't surprise me, you don't seem to care about anyone else besides who's immediately in your life. 
So, fine. I get it. You hate me, and you've written me out of your life. I understand that now. As much as I've tried to be part of yours in the past, I won't bother anymore. It hurts too much to realize you no longer care. Don't expect anything else from me again. 

   I probably could have worded this better. Or gone into a longer statement. I don't think she'll ever grasp at the pain she's caused today. As I stated above, the past 6-8 years, I only find out about her achievements after the fact. Sometimes weeks or months later. I'm still struggling at what horrible thing I could have done to have my daughter hate me so. 
The past few years have not been easy. Between discovering myself, and struggling to keep a roof over our heads, our family fed, the kids provided for with at least what they need - though I wish I could have given them more. The struggles of living in poverty don't lend to having much left to give. And in that absence of material giving, she's decided that this is proof that I no longer love her - or ever did... all the sacrifices I've made over the years. All the sacrifices WE'VE made....
I never wanted to stay in Winnipeg, I struggled from dead-end job to dead-end job. We sacrificed so much so that I could be with my children. And when I could take it no more. When I had reached over 300 lbs, and my depression had reached a suicidal level, I needed to rebuild my life. As much as it pained me to leave Carole and Patric behind, I had no choice. And even know their mother was suppose to help in moving the kids between provinces, so I could still be part of their lives, she never did. What little money we had, we saved to bring them to Nova Scotia a few times... but then money got too tight. We couldn't afford it any longer.  

   From what I glanced at her bitter reply is still blaming me for not being communicative. I guess we can go on blaming each other for this... No I've not read it, I saw enough in the first 2 lines to know I probably don't want to read the rest. Considering I told my children about my transition before I even told my parents, she still holds it against me. Communication is a two-way street. We could probably yell at each other for longer than I can count as to who's fault it is for what, and I wonder if it's worth the effort. She has no idea how her mother has used information I've told her in the past as a weapon against me. Every time I started a new job, or gained something, her mother had her hand out looking for more money. I learned, as a means to protect the ones who live under my roof to not tell my daughter certain things. But when she moved from home (which I only found out 6 months after the fact), I hoped that things would get better. That we could talk. But, no, she stayed distant. Slowly the bitterness grew stronger, and this is the result. 

   So, this is a stalemate. We'll each stay angry at each other, waiting for the other person to admit to fault. Yell, and cry, and yell some more. Hurt each other with words, to justify the pain we feel inside. I'm not going to play this game. I've said what I've needed to say. Whether she's actually read the full message I sent her, this or other blogs to try to understand just what has happened, I'll never know. I'm willing to talk, but I'll never forgive her what she's done this summer. She might feels she's justified somehow at removing me from her life. Well, this works both ways. I've cried enough, I'm done with hurting. As much as this pains me to say, I no longer have a daughter. She's written me out of her life, so I'm writing her out of mine.
    Carole, if you do manage to read this, know that I have, and always will love you. I'm not going to yell, I'm not going to scream at you, don't reply to this with vengeful words, I'll just remove them.

   When you are ready to talk, I will be here.

The pain of being an after-thought.

So, I logged on to facebook today to see a comment from my daughter that she is getting married today.
As much as I would love to congratulate her, wish her all the best, and hope they have a long life together.. I can't help but feel conflicted. That I was so left out of her special day of all days to not even be told what day she was getting married ahead of time. I struggle to think of what injustice I have done for her to hate me so much as to exclude me from everything in her life.

This is my first born, and a child I love with all my heart. Yet, since moving to Nova Scotia, she has slowly drifted away from me - where I'm lucky if I hear from her once a year. She won't hesitate to call my parents with special or important news, yet - when I reminder her that I am but a call away - she always hesitates. I don't have gifts to pamper her with, we're constantly struggling to keep ourselves housed and fed. Outside of facebook, she's move around enough that I have no idea where she is or what she does anymore, because, I seem to mean so little to her, that I only find out about important times of her life after the fact. Like how today is her wedding day.
I wonder if she remembers that today is her brother Daniel's birthday. Like me, the family here are all sort of an after-thought for her. While the boys all seem to keep in touch with one-another, she's been distant for more years than I can remember.

I admit, I have not been the perfect parent. There was a time before my transition and at the start of my transition where I pushed many people away. I barely liked myself, and closed myself off of much of the world. I'm not proud of that time in my life. I'm sure I hurt many people close to me in the process.
It took me years to discover who I really was, and not just some automaton, working through life to feed their family, and thinking of little else.  And it's probably this period of time that has earned this state of pushing me out of her life.

But it still hurts. I hope that, deep down, she learns that I still do love her. She's left a hole in my heart, that leaks tears whenever I think of it. This is her choice though, I can't make her call me, I can't make her reach out to me.

For that I am sorry.
I've lost something precious in my life, and I have no idea how to get it back.

Unfriending on facebook can be detoxifying.

I don't like unfriending people. I try to respect people's opinions - even when they differ from mine. Everyone is entitled to form their own opinions, I may disagree with what they say from time to time, but I try to not to push my view over theirs... note I said "I try". I will often get to a point that I have to agree to just disagree with a person and let the argument drop - for the sake of a friendship that means more than the argument.

But when someone tells me that the term Transgender doesn't exist; that I'm a 3rd gender that is merely 'transitioning' as I haven't latched onto a oh-so-necessary binary choice; that I should never be allowed into a women's washroom due to an arbitrary mark on my birth certificated - Pretending they respect me but calling me a fake person behind my back...

Well, we're not friends anymore... I can only take so many insults before I give up on giving people another chance to explain themselves.
I understand that not everyone gets transgender issues, or even fathom the concept of a non-binary person. But to blatantly state that I'm not real, my problems don't exist, nor do they respect the several dozen trans men and women I've come to know and call friends over the years. For, in his small mind, there are only two choices, and a person is trapped in their gender marker from birth - whether they identify with it or not.
People like this don't know the struggle many of us face. The sadness, confusion, and loneliness for not belonging, never feeling adequate, unable to find our place in society, trying our best to not stand out, because fear of the unknown can often lead to violent outbursts.
The friends I know who have harmed themselves in order to punish their bodies for not being who they feel they should be.
Reading almost weekly that another transgender person has taken their own lives because they couldn't take the abuse anymore - or had their lives taken away for them from those abusers.
- The transgender population is the butt of the jokes, We are constantly ridiculed in movies, media and music.
- We have this highest level of depression and suicide than any other minority group.
- We get fired from jobs once we start transition or can't find jobs at all.
- We are cut off from health care, or mistreated by health care professionals who see us as nothing more than a freak of nature. We are somehow untreatable, meanwhile our physiology is the same as anyone else's.

With so much of society against us, do you think we actually CHOSE to be transgender? Well I guess you can consider choosing to live who we are or death is a choice - much like we chose to breathe air or we suffocate. And yes, it is that simple.
I spent years burying myself under a shell of expectations. Suffocating the real me for fear that I wouldn't be able to function in society.
Effeminate men who are gay, while still being teased and scoffed at, are accepted in society, sometimes grudgingly, but their femininity can excused as a side affect of their homosexuality.
I was not gay, well not in the male sense. I was never attracted to men growing up, and often equated myself to a lesbian trapped in a male shell - not realizing how true that statement was.
So, while gay men are accepted in society, an effeminate straight male was not. There was something 'wrong' with me. I had to hide emotions, watch the way I walked, constantly check my expressions and speech, wait till I could be friends with people before showing any affection or empathy.
Cause men didn't show feelings, and feminine displays are a sign of weakness and shamed.

Transgender people are asking for two things:
1) Equal Rights - to receive the same basic human rights everyone has.
2) To be left Alone. We just want to live our lives. To be just people, just like everyone else, and no longer paraded throughout media as some freak show to be put on display!

Drifting...

I'm not sure when exactly this started.. sometime after I left HGS/OLS I think... but I started drifting.
I've drifted away from my craft business. I've drifted away from the craft communities. I'm rarely involved with any of my Pagan circles. I've been drifting away from my trans circles. I've been drifting away from my friends and my family, and - to be honest - I can't figure out why.

I still keep in touch with people. I went camping more than once this summer. My gaming 'family' is very close to me. But lately I've realized that I've become more reactionary to my friends than seeking discussions with some of the people I still hold dear to me.

I think it started with Superstore and my working overnights again. My schedule went way out of synch. Then there were months of un-employment. I didn't have money to do much, so I stayed home and - outside of job searching - buried myself into online gaming. I now have some really close friends in Star Trek Online and growing in Star Wars: The Old Republic - but it seems to be at the cost of my other social circles. And, for that, I apologize.

My new job with Alpine Access seems to have cemented my semi-antisocial behaviour. I don't need to go outside anymore, so I'm finding it hard to want to go outside... And I think that's a bad thing. At least, for me. We still have some catching up to do on the bills, and - I'm hoping - that this will free up some possibilities of getting out to see friends and family again. It can sometimes be hard with most of my shifts being in the late afternoon and evening. I work every bloody Saturday, so I only really have Thursdays and Sundays to do anything outside of sit at the computer answering calls.

Here's to hoping I can rebuild some sort of social calendar in the New Year within these restrictions.

To all my close friends and family. May your Holiday Season be filled with warmth and love.

Something different to post...

Figured I'd post some good news for a change.

Some of you have already been told this great news, though probably not all the details...

After a summer of dismal unemployment, I finally broke out of the hopelessness barrier and was able to gain work once again. I'd almost forgotten the peace of mind that having a steady income brings. This summer has been so tight and stressful, not knowing how we were going to manage to pay our bills from week to week. Thankfully we had some meager savings, and - with the help of some generous family members - we were able to live through the summer months with enough food to feed us.  I won't name names here, but I would like to state, for the record, how eternally grateful we are for your assistance. And, if we can find the means, we will repay your kindness and generosity.

I'm actually starting my 3rd week working with them. Why, you may ask, have I waited so long to post the great news? Well, to begin with, I wanted to make sure that this job was real. That it wasn't just a temporary state and that we were indeed going to get paid for my time there. Why would I be so hesitant with such things? Well, some of you are well aware the long delays I've experienced with Sykes@Home on working with them. Between two classes being delayed/postponed, one class that bumped me for not having all my equipment in on day one, and another with some questionable ethics... I had begun to give up on this group actually being a legitimate employer. But, after all the delays and miss-communications,  they finally came through. Even my first day of training, I was still a questioning whether this job was real. My first indication of legitimacy was the computer they sent to me for use. I got it within my first week. The second was the immediacy of paying for my training. It was only the first week, but the direct deposit went through without any issues. Not only did they come through in giving me the opportunity to work from home, but I have one of the friendliest, funniest trainers going. She makes learning fun. I've begun to make friends with my class-mates and we're a pretty decently intelligent group. It's nice to hear the trainer talk about giving us time to relax because we're ahead of the course-work.

So, in a few weeks, I'm going to start taking Tier 1 calls for Rogers Wireless customers. The skills I am learning now, combined with what I had learned while working with OLS/HGS, I can easily say I know most lines of business that the communication's company carries. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the company has no faults, but their dedication to keeping Roger's jobs in Canada is something to be admired. So far, they've been one of the most understanding and dedicated companies I've worked for. I'm looking forward to getting on the phone to help out customers. My knowledge in their products and their systems can be of great benefit to the company. And, best of all, it's technical support. And I've always enjoyed working in that field.

Not only do I get to do a job I like. I get to do so from the comfort of my own home office. No more running out in the snow and rain to catch a bus. No more worrying about transit schedules and how long I have to wait till I can get home. Nothing beats hanging up my headset, turning off my AIB (work computer), and turning to my personal computer and logging in to one of my favorite games. The zero commute time has got to be the biggest and best perk to this job. No more packed lunches. No more boxed drinks. No more having to pay for coffee that might be cold by the time the order gets to me. I think more service companies should aim to provide tele-commuting jobs to their reps. I've always said that the worse part of working customer service, or any phone job, wasn't the work itself. It's not the sometimes irate customers, or the often-times crappy work hours. It was the hostile environment that is a call centre. It's the brown-nosing, back-stabbing, drama bubble burst of immature humanity that makes the job stressful. The hive of disease that 200+ people on one open floor can do to your body. The amounts of colds, flues, etc that I've had because of sick co-workers has caused me more time away from work than I can count. So.. with this reduced stress  of working from home, I can now do what I like to do: focus on my customer's issues and give them excellent service.

So, I had much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. I hope your year is going well... Next big adventure: Hal-Con!

Trying to break out of a shell I've held against others for too long.

I really need to get back to updating this blog more regularly. As I mentioned in a previous post, I think I lean too heavily on facebook and - while it's good to give quick updates and share some random thoughts, quotes, interests, news, etc... I'm starting to get the impression that it's missing some scope into what actually goes on with my life sometimes. A particularly recent heated conversation with my brother has led me to believe, that those who are not involved in my day-to-day life, really have no idea what's going on; and many have some miss-interpretations of my life and how/why of my transition.

First of all, I realize many of you are still confused and upset about my 'coming out'. I've spoken to some family and they are so many things wrong with what you are thinking, and I hope I can try with this blog to clarify things that can be lost in an emotional exchange.

I could be wrong, but I believe it has a lot to do with what most people believe is the definition of transgender. Transgender is an umbrella term referring to anyone who's behavior, thoughts, or traits differ from the societal expectations for their sex. This group includes cross-dressers, transsexuals, intersexuals, genderqueer, and bisexuals. There is no one text-book definition as to what makes a transgender person. It can be a very gray area. The traditional concept - as I quoted in an earlier post is that people transition for sexual reasons. These are hyper-feminine girly gay men that don't 'feel' right being gay. They rather live as a woman, so that they can have a 'normal' life as an heterosexual woman. Better known as transsexuals, this is only one definition of transgender women.

Another stereotype is that transgender women trade one side of the binary for the other. They are women trapped in a male body That a transgender woman despises her lower 'parts' and anything to do with her previous masculinity. This leads to the 'end game' of gender surgery and going 'stealth', pretending they were never male to begin with.

Some people have argued that, because I had children, I can't be trans. Well, if you go on that belief, then men coming out as gay after years of 'being in the closet' can't have had children either. Not all of us despise the bodies we are born with, and some of us learn to cope very well with what we are given. The simple matter of my having children before transition is a combination of a few factors: One being that I prefer women, I love the female body, and - unlike many transsexual women - I enjoyed my sexuality in my youth. Because I love children, and because I love sex, this led to me having children of my own. I love my children dearly and wouldn't give them up for the world!

I've used a lot of terms to try to define who I am over the years: I'm a lesbian, I'm in touch with my feminine side, I'm a romantic... The best description of what I am would be bi-gender or Two Spirited. Two Spirited people have a greater understanding of both genders, as we toe the line between male and female.
How long have I know I've been female? Most people ask me. This is often a challenge or just merely curiosity. I've probably known for some time now is the only real answer I have. I could have been younger, but it was around 14 that I realized I really wasn't like the other guys in my class. I had a maturity level that was beyond theirs in so many ways. I didn't share their zeal for sports, or cars, or challenges of strength and male bravado... I even thought at one point that I could be gay. I found female clothing attractive and even comfortable. I was definitely a lot more feminine that most boys I knew. But looking at a locker room full of men, some of them naked incited no attraction or excitement. If anything, I found myself analyzing them for their artistic attractiveness or muscle build.
Growing up, I tried my best to act like one of the guys, tried to chase the 'pretty' girls, hang out with them... I was active. I love cycling, Frisbee, being outside, art, music, poetry, science fiction, fantasy... I found solace with the 'geek' crowd, as I just couldn't fit in with the 'popular' people. I found them too superficial. I soon found I was more attracted to tom-boyish girls. Not that I didn't like the 'pretty' girls, but I just couldn't find anything in common with them. I soon felt like I had two personalities. I was outgoing, affectionate and bubbly in public. In school I was more withdrawn, quiet, almost anti-social. I couldn't connect with many of my classmates. The few who had met me outside of school were friends with me, as they had met my 'other' side. I'm sure some of them couldn't understand why I was such a 'dweeb' in school.

Because I lacked the male aggressiveness, I was seen as a wimp through much of school. And I'm sure many family can attest of me being upset from the teasing bullying when I was younger. In reality, I knew that, due to my consistent physical activity, I was really strong, and I really, really, didn't like hurting people So I avoided physical confrontation - knowing that it would end with my opponent on the ground. I've always believed that an argument degrades if it lowers to a physical level and that I've lost once I've given in to the urge to hit someone - regardless of usually being the last one standing. But, to prove I could be male, I did the 'guy thing' near my late high school years. I got this pretty, little, bubbly girlfriend.She was more body than brains, and not really my type, but she fit the cheerleader profile that many guys in my class went for.

Something wonderful happened the summer between grades 11 & 12. I managed to get into a language program in northen Québec. My parents saw it as a means of cleaning up my horrible Acadien accent I'd developed. I saw it as a means of freedom. And it was more revealing that I ever thought possible. So, I'm 18, legal age, and I know absolutely no-one there. I had to make friends, which, as some of you know, is something that I can do rather easily. Because no-one there knew me, there was no social expectations on who I was or wasn't. I could be myself - truly be myself - for the first time in what felt like years. In there I discovered I wasn't just some 'looser', that I could be a fun loving, open and affection person, and people accepted me openly. Going back to Fredericton was hard! I had grown so much that summer, so when I discovered that some of my classmates may not be prepared for the 'new me', I shuttered myself again.

Then I went in to wrestling, to prove - in a less-violent manner - to many of my classmates that I was stronger than I looked (I was a lean 155 lb stick of 5'11"). Well, the experiment worked, I managed to make a few more friends in school than I had previous. By graduation I had slowly let more of 'me' creep in and it was okay. In the end, I would have to say that my teens weren't as horrible as some other stories I've heard. I was over all more independent, stronger willed and focused than some people I knew.

Some of you are wondering why I'm going into details that some of you already know. I guess you can say I'm doing this in part as therapy for myself - you learn more about yourself when you think back on what you've done....
But, in truth, I hid a lot from even the people I loved. As much of an open-book many people thought me to be, there were many pages you never saw. All the times I was quiet and withdrawn was because I couldn't find a way to express myself. The dreams of being a girl, transformation dreams where I would shed some if not all of my male body to trade for a female body. I tried to bring this up, but I was so confused I couldn't! How I could I go into details on something I had no definition for? So I buried it. Buried it really deep. It's part of what led to my moodiness and what drove me into art and music as a means of therapy. I could talk to the art, I could sing to the music, it wouldn't talk back and I could absorb some of the feeling from songs in knowing that I wasn't the only one feeling confused, lost, or wanting more.

I found ways to cope with not being normal - though I've not to this day been able to figure out what normal is... I would joke that I felt like a round peg trying to fit into a square hole. Only the hole was big enough to me to fit into - I was just missing the corners.
Throughout my 20s, I continued to find excuses for my feminine traits of occasional non-masculine mannerisms. Over all, people left me alone. I was male-enough. I thank the fact I was in long term relationships to keep my out of the dating scene all those years. But it was slowly chipping away at me. Combined with having trouble keeping a steady job, depression was strongly settling in. I tried to keep it buried - like I did with so many other inconvenient emotions. I trooped on as best as I thought I could manage.
By my 30s I was loosing the fight. I was running out of excuses. When people asked me why I wasn't typically masculine in a very conservative Manitoba and I was running out of explanations, my depression got worse. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me! By this time I was over 310 lbs, I would huff and puff up a flight of stairs. I was so out of shape and out of energy, I really, really came close to calling it quits on life - though I doubt most people around me knew that.

My parents offered me, once again, to come home. They could see it wasn't working in Winnipeg. My sacrifice to stay out west so that I could be close to my kids from my first marriage was taking it's toll on me.
As I planned to leave the place I was living for 12 years, I discussed the changes with friends I had made on IRC.
  "Are you sure this is what you want to do" - well Winnipeg wasn't working out, why not?
  "Are you going to have to leave your older two as they live with your ex?"  - Yes, that's what was making the move so much harder on me.
I answered a lot of what ifs and how abouts and told them I was dead-set on moving back to the Maritimes.
"There comes a time when a guys gotta do what a guy's gotta do, and move on with life"  - I responded to the channel as a final closure to any more questions or arguments. Then the next line from one of my online friends caught me by surprise:
"Wait, wait, you're a guy?!" 
Well, that's what it says on my profile, picture included, but the question caught me off-guard. Why would she think otherwise? Looking back on some of our conversations over the past few months (gotta love log files), I noticed that a lot of what we talked about was girl-talk. Relationships, weather, fashion, art, poetry... She thought I was female...

I had that in the back of my head as I came back to the Maritimes nearly 3 months ahead of my wife and kids. The goal was to find a job and a place to stay for when they would join me after the school year ended. I moved to Halifax, closer to where my parents lived. The job prospects of the larger port city seemed like a better choice on getting settled. Soon after moving East, I came across a W5 documentary that I'd taped. The topic was transgender - a new topic for gender in the new millennium. I had a few friends in the Pride community at work, and they said it was really good. So I watched it, and watched it, and watched it again. Something sunk in.. something so similar to how I felt. Particularly the trans-woman and her wife.

From there I did a lot of research. Thank goodness for high-speed Internet. There is almost as much miss-information out there as there is valid information when it comes to the topic of transgender. Fortunately, more and more reputable and support sites are burying the older, unreliable ones, but it was still a lot of information to dig through.
During this time I started playing MMOs (Massive Multiplayer Online games). It started with public servers with NeverWinter Nights, then World of Warcraft, and others. With WoW, I started a social experiment. I created both male and female characters. I played both, didn't genderfy myself to other players out of character, and really got into the personalities of some of the characters I created.
Soon, I noticed that the friends and guild-mates I made online were addressing me in female pronouns, regardless of the character I was playing. I never encouraged or discouraged it, they chose from my online mannerisms that I was female in real life. The 'light bulb' moment came one night when I was playing my gnome mage. With this character I even performed an in-game marriage ceremony to my wife's character and we pretty much did everything together, rarely were the two characters apart. One night, while she was finishing up supper, I decided to dabble around with crafting and then role-play, I didn't want to go out adventuring without my wife's toon. But something was 'off'. Without my wife to bounce off of, the gnome character lacked depth and personality on his own, I had trouble playing him solo. One of my guild-mates suggested that I have a problem portraying a male persona.... and reading that comment was like hitting the brick wall of awareness.
"I think I'm a girl" I blurt out loud to my wife who had poked her head out of the kitchen to tell us supper was almost ready. "About time you figured that one out." she commented off-handedly and went back to plating supper... "What do you mean about time I figured that out?!" My horrible secret that I thought I had kept to myself all these years, and she had known - for a long time.

By the time I saw a therapist on the topic, I knew almost as much as he did on the subject. But did it apply to who I was? Well, 8 months of therapy later, it was decided that yes, it would work - without loosing my family.


I know my transition came suddenly for so many of you. Many people didn't find out that I was transitioning till I was about to start hormones, which was 2 years into my actual transition. But this is something that I've held buried for so many agonizing years... Like many trans-women, I did live a double-life for first part.. Some for work reasons, some for societal necessity. But after 6 months on hormones, I couldn't take it anymore. I've been happily living as a woman full time for over 2 and a half years now.
This is where I go back to my being Two-spirited:
I don't have plans for gender 'corrective' surgery. There is a reason why I have 4 children. I've always enjoyed that part of my sexuality. As long as it all still works down there, I don't see a need to change things. This doesn't make me any less trans, in fact it's perfectly normal. Not every trans-woman feels the need to trade one side of the binary for the other. I'm actually rather happy in this middle zone that I'm in. My need for transition has always been societal. I needed to be female so that people would stop asking me why I was so weird, emotional and feminine. As I've been trying to tell some of you. I am where I've wanted to be.. a mix of both genders. It doesn't make me any less a woman. I certainly have no problems being seen as female wherever I go.
Am I done my transition? Mostly. There are a few things I would like to do - if I had the funds:
 - Some hair removal on my face and belly. The rest of my body hair has shifted to being typical for a woman, so there's no need to change what I have.
- Orchidectomy, Better known as castration. I've gone 11 years since my vasectomy wanting to get rid of these offending nuggets, it would also mean not having to take those disgusting-tasting anti-androgen pills.

I could probably add other minor facial tweaks that aren't rally that necessary anymore. After 3 years on hormones, my body's feminized fine that I don't need any serious body modifications that some trans-folk feel they need to have.

Some of you have argued that I should have thought of my children before transition. Well, to be blunt, I thought it would be better for them to have me like this than not having a father at all. For all those who are so against 'what I've done', you have no idea how close I was to suicide! Had I not transitioned, I would not be here today. It honestly had bee reduced to a matter of life or eventual death, which choice would you have taken?
For the record, my children are adapting to my transition better than most of you who think it's still a problem. So, I will ask you to quit telling me my children are miserable. I speak to all my children, and we have an honest communication between us. Quit feeding them garbage and confusing them. Quit projecting your own insecurities as theirs. It's hurtful, confusing, and mean. I speak with them. And when I find out you are lying for whatever reason, it breaks what trust we have with you. If they have questions, I can answer their questions better than any of you can - not only is it my body and my life that's being affected; I doubt many of you have done anywhere close to the scope of research that I've done into transgender issues.

I apologize that the end of this rather long blog has taken on a negative tone. There's been enough hostility and negativity lately, I felt I needed to get this out. I've spent enough nights crying, thank you. And yes, I cry. I laugh, I'm wonderfully emotional as any other woman would be. That's the joys of the hormone therapy.

Loosing touch with old friends can sometimes be a bad thing.

 Since the start of my transition, I'd lost touch with most of my friends in Winnipeg - unsure how to explain the changes in my life. After awhile, life gets busy and trying to reach them slipped my mind completely - seeing as I barely use my old facebook or e-mail accounts.

Well, Laura mentioned the possibility of being able to visit Winnipeg next summer. Something we haven't done in a good 3-4 years. Not wanting to break the news at the last minute, or surprising them, I decided to contact my friends out West now to give them time to absorb the fact that my gender has changed over the past few years and that I am now living as a woman.
I found out, sadly, that one of my best friends back West passed away back in October. The shock is still a bit hard to absorb, the tears are still welling in my eyes. It will hang over me now, because of my inability to tell everyone who I now am, I've lost a friend without being able to say goodbye! I'm so sorry John, you will be missed by us so dearly. This is going to take some time to get over...

So, for my Trans friends out there, try not to exclude those who are dearest to you - for fear you may lose them. There's a good chance you will anyway. This is not a regret you want to live with, coming from personal experience.

Time to get this out in the open

I'm going to try to catch up on my blog - though I'm sure, by now, people have stopped following it.
I had dropped off Blogger, preferring to spend more of my time on facebook rather than posting my musings here. I posted this on my original facebook profile back in July 2010. I've brought some information up to date since it's original posting, but most of the original message is as it was posted nearly 2 years ago. A lot has happened in the past 2 years, more than I can put in this one post I think.

Some of you may have noticed that, as Dranem, I've not been very active on facebook for awhile now. I've actually have been fairly active online, just not with my male facebook profile that many of you are connected with. Some of you already know, or may be suspecting, but I've not completely come out and discussed the issue openly to everyone. Locally, there's not hiding what my lifestyle is currently like. But, to a good deal of my distant friends & family, I kept putting it off trying to find the right moment to say it, or the right way to say it. In the end I've come to realize there's no real right way to say it without surprising or shocking at least some of you.

For a very long time I've battled with, well, myself. I've tried to 'fit in' for the longest time, and never quiet getting there. While in Winnipeg, my depression had reached an all point low. I was 300 lbs, out of shape and had over all given up on a lot of things. I had come to believe I had failed as a male in society, I had to do something.... so I moved back to the Maritimes.
This seemed to help refresh my mind to some degree. I got a bike, started cycling, changed some of my eating habits, and started loosing a lot of weight. With the shedding of the fat, something else that I'd been keeping dormant starting getting stronger. I began to notice my mannerisms getting more and more effeminate, and found I was having a harder time to suppress them like I used to - and yes, there's a lot of things about me that I would keep from others. So I started doing some research, started speaking to some medical professionals, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
Well, I finally managed to see a provincially funded therapist, not having $125/hr for a private one. After a few sessions and a lot of me talking and answering questions, the specialist confirmed something that had been slowly getting stronger in my mind: I wasn't really male. Oh sure, physically I am, I'm decently strong, and fairly fit now that I'm back down to a decent weight, but mentally I don't THINK like a guy does. I've discovered the condition is called Gender Identity Dysphoria. Where my mind gender doesn't fit my physical one. Looking back on things, I can locate traces of my femininity back to my early teens. Before the term Transgender became commonplace, there was the term Transexual. I had seen transexuals as gay guys who wanted to be women so that they could no longer be seen as gay. And well, not being gay, having no interest in men sexually, I couldn't be transexual. I've fought for years to suppressing my emotions and feelings. I've tried to do what everyone told me, to be 'a good man' and live up to people's expectations. Looking at other guys and trying my best to mimic their actions and their mannerisms and succeeding to some degree or another, but never quite getting it. It all felt like an act, fake, not natural, like I was putting on a show for others. I hated not being able to be myself.
I believed Transexualism as being a kink. It's a sexual thing. A person feeling the need to be female so that they can enjoy an heterosexual life as society imposes on us. But for me, this is more of a case where I feel more like a girl. I understand women more then men, and have generally had more female friends. I've never really been into 'guy things' and really don't understand the male need to prove oneself. Over the years people have seen this as a lack of competitive spirit, but in truth I just don't have a fickle ego and the need to prove who I am. In my early 20s, I used to get hit on by gays all the time. They would read my feminine side and hope that I would be gay. Many offered to guide me out of the closet, and thought I was just lying to myself, but I never found men attractive. To the comment of one guy who insisted I was way to femme to be straight, I finally told him that if I was homosexual to any degree, that I was a lesbian trapped in a male body - because I don't even look at women the same way most men do. For years I knew I was a geek: I never fit into the 'in crowd' at school, I was not into sports or cars, I was not a 'manly' person. I'm poetic, artistic, and have come to call myself a modern-day bard. But I wasn't gay, so I strove to make sure that people knew that I loved women so that they would at least not accuse me of being gay. This helped in some degree, but there was still something missing.

So, for the past 4 years now, I've been working on my transition to better understand myself. I've found that I'm a lot more female than I thought since I've started dropping my male-learned mannerisms. Though I still need to work on my voice and my facial features, most of the rest of me is quite female. Since my coming out, the people I've met have no trouble seeing me as female, and have a hard time believing I was able to 'pull it off' as a male for as long as I did. And while there are some remnants, I'm finding I am finally enjoying being myself for a change as a woman. I don't need to hide who I am, or pretend to be someone I'm not. Physically, I've found that I fit women's clothing better than men's as my hips are now nearly 6" wider than my waist. So, to help the rest of me get to where I'm going - or something like that - I've been taking hormones to further feminize my body. Being over 25, I realize I'll probably never look like a natural woman. But with just enough makeup right (I rarely wear alot), the right clothes, I am more often than not accepted for a woman now. I still feel I need help with my voice, and have had some speech therapy. Some people will most likely appreciate this, as they find I don't talk loud enough to begin with, so this will help me in more ways than one.

This will probably take some of you a while longer to absorb all this. If it's taken me over a year to sort myself out, I don't expect everyone to suddenly treat me like a woman tomorrow.

I'm open to any questions you may have and will try to answer them as best as I can. Any outright hate messages will be ignored. I realize this will probably be a shock some of you, but you don't have to take your insecurities out on me because of it. Just know, that I'm happy with the woman I'm discovering. I feel more confident and more sure about myself for the first time in longer than I can remember. I hope some of you can find it in your hearts to accept my happiness. Otherwise, I'm sorry, but I'm not hiding myself for the rest of you any longer.

Still here.

Wow... talk about loosing track of things. Oddly enough it's C100's In-studio Chat that has drawn me back to my blog.

What to say in one post to catch up with a good 2 years of no posts? Is anyone still following this?

Well, I now work for the Conseil scolaire acadien as a janitor for one of their schools. It's been an interesting shift in things from the security guard work I've been doing for nearly a year now.

It's almost the end of school, with the High School done their classes, yesterday's big clean up was the overflowing garbages from them cleaning out their lockers. Today shouldn't be so bad, but Friday the junior high will dumping their lockers....

Feeling a Little Burnt

I write this the day after, feeling sore, tired (going on 38 hours awake now), and very much sunburnt. But, oddly enough, I can tell you it was worth it!

This is the second year that we've competed in the Clam Harbour Beach Sandcastle/Scupture Competition. Or better known as Sandcastle Day to most. Each year, with a little help from HRM, the Lake Charlotte locals have hosted this event that has grown in popularity to an International level... Not only were there a lot of Haligonians there, but people from other provinces, the US and from abroad. The competition attracts professional sculptors, amateurs and people who just want to enjoy the beach.
Entering the competition is cheap enough, but you have to get there early to claim a good spot. For me, we headed to the beach soon as I got off work. My mother, wife and the kids were already there and setting up a spot by the time my dad and I joined them. This year, my daughter is over 12, so we entered as the whole family, instead of just the kids' division. Just as well, my Dad and I did most of the work. ;)
It took us 5 hours to carve out our impressive fort, and it wasn't easy! We hadn't quite packed the sand hard enough, it was a hot and dry day, we didn't add enough water, so we weren't able to add some of the details we had hoped - for fear of the whole thing crumbling. As it is I had to replace the 'lighthouse tower' as it collasped on me when I tried to add some detailing.

Now that all this confusion is over, I'm looking forward to our trip to Winnipeg tomorrow - where I'll be able to relax a little for a week.

Busy Summer...

Boy, what a week?! I think it was a week, okay I think it's more like two weeks..... I've done so much things and have had so little sleep, I have no idea how much time has passed... but here we are the first week of August already! Wow! Where did the summer go?!

I've divided the pictures up into the various events: Going to the beach, and making sandcastles; touring the Ovens and Lunenberg after visiting my grandmother on the south shore; going to Upper Clements Park... It was a lot of pictures to catch up on!

The kids have been having a blast! And I can't believe summer is almost over! In a couple of weeks we'll be flying back to Winnipeg - all together. Kart and I have some family issues we need to get resolved, and the kids are going back to their mother.

Kids and Sail Ships

From the "Kids can be so Cute" department: One of the COOL things about Nova Scotia is the fog we get... At least that was the unanimous statement from my older to kids - who spend most of the year living in the Prairies with their mother. You don't see fog like we get here in Manitoba... fog so thick, you can barely see 10 feet in front of you. The funny thing is... This isn't their first trip to the Maritimes, so why it's suddenly so cool.. well kids will be kids. :)

Summer's been relatively mild this year. Although more sunny days would generally be preferred by most.. coming from someone who sleeps during the daytime, I'm not going to complain too loudly. It's nice to be able to sleep comfortably. We haven't spent much time at the beach, and with the sea water averaging 14°C, it's not exactly warm to bathe in. The frigid waters don't seem to be affecting the surfers much, they can be seen in large numbers any day there's a decent surf.

The kids are making up for their lack of beach time at my mother's... where they're staying for some time while they take swimming at the Porter's Lake Aquatic Club. So I get a bit of a break from having so many feet around the house, and the kids get to swim in the lake's cool waters... Porter's Lake is a tidal body of water, meaning that a portion of the lake is salt water.. and nearly as cold as the ocean that's feeding it. Outside of beach time, my parents have a nice big yard so the kids can vent the extra energy that young bodies tend to have in excess - and I can get rest during the day on the nights I work.
This week's trip out to my parents' is going to be a solo run - provided it doesn't rain as the forecast is predicting. I was able to make the trip in 3 hours last year... lets see if I keep that up.

Monday was a blast! Without the kids underfoot, the wife and I had the opportunity to spend some much needed time together. Sure we do a fair bit as a family, but there's only so much one can do with munchkins in tow. The youngest is still in preschool, so we dropped him off, and spend the day in downtown Halifax. A nice quiet early lunch at a bistro, and then it was off to watch the Parade of Sails. Most of the tall ships left port this week, so all the ships paraded up and down the harbour. One doesn't get the chance to see so many sailing ships, small and large float by and give a show. Even more beautiful when seen from the deck of a boat only a stones throw off George's Island. It was beautiful, and revived my desire to get out at sea and experience it... maybe next year. This year my parents want to do a wale watching tour.

I know not everyone gets excited seeing a schooner under full sail. But for those who long for the Age of Sail, I have a load of pictures to add to Friday's collection.. now the challenge is to sort them down to only two photo albums.

Tall Ship Festival

The great sail ships are visiting the Halifax Harbour this week. While Halifax is home to a handful of sail ships, getting so many sailing ships in one harbour at a time is cause for celebration... there's not many of them left in the world.

While the media says that 50 ships are in the harbour this week, only about half of them were docked for viewing today as the family got together to climb on them and check them all out. Some great ships were with us today... The Bounty - of of the oldest sailing ships still in service - paid us a visit.

I'll try to get out Sunday for the Parade of Sail when the ships will set out in - hopefully - full sail.

I got a load of pictures, I'll load them on facebook soon as I sort them down to 1 album. Here's a teaser for starts.

Weekend Cycling Adventure

Having Saturday and Sunday off, I decided to take a shot at kicking our summer cycling into gear!
My two older munchkins and I headed out for my parents' place... it's a good 45km ride between where we live in Dartmouth and where my parents live in Porter's Lake. I did 6 such runs last summer.... this weekend was this summer's first.

Saturday started out foggy, but soon before noon, the fog burned off and the day was spectacular. It took us about 6 1/2 hours to do the trip there.. the kids were exhausted and we were gratefully to take showers to cool off and wash the sweat, dirt and salt from our bodies. The whole family got together for supper, but we stayed the night while my wife and the younger boys got a drive home.

This morning we set out at 9:45 and finally showed up home at 3:30.... all told a bit better time coming home. I think We have to owe it to the fact that it was cool and cloudy most of the day, so heat wasn't as much of an issue.. we even got drizzled on after leaving the trail and hitting Caldwell Road. The rain was brief, so we it did well to cool us off while not being a problem.

I took about 30 odd pictures which I'll load onto Facebook.. and maybe my Yahoo 360 if I can muster getting to that tonight.

Feeling the Sizzle.

Summer feels like its finally here... the mercury today climbed to 25°C, but with the humidity it feels a lot warmer. We've had weather hovering around this level for the past few days. Though a bit stuffy it's nice to actually FEEL summer, and not the cold miserable season we had last year.

I've been biking to work for about a month now, still a bit hard on the legs, and I need to take the time soon to get my bike re-tuned as it seems a bit 'off'. Some days are more enjoyable to cycle than others, and I always have my camera with me - just in case I can find something nice.

My youngest had his pre-school graduation on Friday. In September, he officially starts Kindergarten.. though they call it 'Primary' in this province for some reason. It never surprises me how fast kids grow up... My youngest starting Kindergarten, my oldest is starting High-School, the other two are nearing their years at their current levels: Last year of elementary for Chip, and so forth... Makes one feel old some days....

Here's an image of summer... a lilac bush outside of the back the college where my son's pre-school is... isn't it beautiful? And it smells so nice in the morning as we pass it!

Happy Easter! ... At least I think it's Easter..

I woke up for work this evening to greet a winter wonderland... I thought this was suppose to be Spring!? Well I'll be bringing my camera with me tonight to take a few pictures. I took a few pictures from my living room window, a couple on the way to work (sorry for the fuzziness) and some this morning on the way home.

I still can't believe it's Easter Sunday with all this wet white stuff on the ground. Once you get out of the wind, it's actually quite mild - if the weather continues - the snow won't last long... typical to what it's been like all winter here

The one advantage is that this is wonderful snowman building weather, so I'll probably have a few more pictures to add once we get back from my parent's place...