Loosing touch with old friends can sometimes be a bad thing.

 Since the start of my transition, I'd lost touch with most of my friends in Winnipeg - unsure how to explain the changes in my life. After awhile, life gets busy and trying to reach them slipped my mind completely - seeing as I barely use my old facebook or e-mail accounts.

Well, Laura mentioned the possibility of being able to visit Winnipeg next summer. Something we haven't done in a good 3-4 years. Not wanting to break the news at the last minute, or surprising them, I decided to contact my friends out West now to give them time to absorb the fact that my gender has changed over the past few years and that I am now living as a woman.
I found out, sadly, that one of my best friends back West passed away back in October. The shock is still a bit hard to absorb, the tears are still welling in my eyes. It will hang over me now, because of my inability to tell everyone who I now am, I've lost a friend without being able to say goodbye! I'm so sorry John, you will be missed by us so dearly. This is going to take some time to get over...

So, for my Trans friends out there, try not to exclude those who are dearest to you - for fear you may lose them. There's a good chance you will anyway. This is not a regret you want to live with, coming from personal experience.

Time to get this out in the open

I'm going to try to catch up on my blog - though I'm sure, by now, people have stopped following it.
I had dropped off Blogger, preferring to spend more of my time on facebook rather than posting my musings here. I posted this on my original facebook profile back in July 2010. I've brought some information up to date since it's original posting, but most of the original message is as it was posted nearly 2 years ago. A lot has happened in the past 2 years, more than I can put in this one post I think.

Some of you may have noticed that, as Dranem, I've not been very active on facebook for awhile now. I've actually have been fairly active online, just not with my male facebook profile that many of you are connected with. Some of you already know, or may be suspecting, but I've not completely come out and discussed the issue openly to everyone. Locally, there's not hiding what my lifestyle is currently like. But, to a good deal of my distant friends & family, I kept putting it off trying to find the right moment to say it, or the right way to say it. In the end I've come to realize there's no real right way to say it without surprising or shocking at least some of you.

For a very long time I've battled with, well, myself. I've tried to 'fit in' for the longest time, and never quiet getting there. While in Winnipeg, my depression had reached an all point low. I was 300 lbs, out of shape and had over all given up on a lot of things. I had come to believe I had failed as a male in society, I had to do something.... so I moved back to the Maritimes.
This seemed to help refresh my mind to some degree. I got a bike, started cycling, changed some of my eating habits, and started loosing a lot of weight. With the shedding of the fat, something else that I'd been keeping dormant starting getting stronger. I began to notice my mannerisms getting more and more effeminate, and found I was having a harder time to suppress them like I used to - and yes, there's a lot of things about me that I would keep from others. So I started doing some research, started speaking to some medical professionals, trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
Well, I finally managed to see a provincially funded therapist, not having $125/hr for a private one. After a few sessions and a lot of me talking and answering questions, the specialist confirmed something that had been slowly getting stronger in my mind: I wasn't really male. Oh sure, physically I am, I'm decently strong, and fairly fit now that I'm back down to a decent weight, but mentally I don't THINK like a guy does. I've discovered the condition is called Gender Identity Dysphoria. Where my mind gender doesn't fit my physical one. Looking back on things, I can locate traces of my femininity back to my early teens. Before the term Transgender became commonplace, there was the term Transexual. I had seen transexuals as gay guys who wanted to be women so that they could no longer be seen as gay. And well, not being gay, having no interest in men sexually, I couldn't be transexual. I've fought for years to suppressing my emotions and feelings. I've tried to do what everyone told me, to be 'a good man' and live up to people's expectations. Looking at other guys and trying my best to mimic their actions and their mannerisms and succeeding to some degree or another, but never quite getting it. It all felt like an act, fake, not natural, like I was putting on a show for others. I hated not being able to be myself.
I believed Transexualism as being a kink. It's a sexual thing. A person feeling the need to be female so that they can enjoy an heterosexual life as society imposes on us. But for me, this is more of a case where I feel more like a girl. I understand women more then men, and have generally had more female friends. I've never really been into 'guy things' and really don't understand the male need to prove oneself. Over the years people have seen this as a lack of competitive spirit, but in truth I just don't have a fickle ego and the need to prove who I am. In my early 20s, I used to get hit on by gays all the time. They would read my feminine side and hope that I would be gay. Many offered to guide me out of the closet, and thought I was just lying to myself, but I never found men attractive. To the comment of one guy who insisted I was way to femme to be straight, I finally told him that if I was homosexual to any degree, that I was a lesbian trapped in a male body - because I don't even look at women the same way most men do. For years I knew I was a geek: I never fit into the 'in crowd' at school, I was not into sports or cars, I was not a 'manly' person. I'm poetic, artistic, and have come to call myself a modern-day bard. But I wasn't gay, so I strove to make sure that people knew that I loved women so that they would at least not accuse me of being gay. This helped in some degree, but there was still something missing.

So, for the past 4 years now, I've been working on my transition to better understand myself. I've found that I'm a lot more female than I thought since I've started dropping my male-learned mannerisms. Though I still need to work on my voice and my facial features, most of the rest of me is quite female. Since my coming out, the people I've met have no trouble seeing me as female, and have a hard time believing I was able to 'pull it off' as a male for as long as I did. And while there are some remnants, I'm finding I am finally enjoying being myself for a change as a woman. I don't need to hide who I am, or pretend to be someone I'm not. Physically, I've found that I fit women's clothing better than men's as my hips are now nearly 6" wider than my waist. So, to help the rest of me get to where I'm going - or something like that - I've been taking hormones to further feminize my body. Being over 25, I realize I'll probably never look like a natural woman. But with just enough makeup right (I rarely wear alot), the right clothes, I am more often than not accepted for a woman now. I still feel I need help with my voice, and have had some speech therapy. Some people will most likely appreciate this, as they find I don't talk loud enough to begin with, so this will help me in more ways than one.

This will probably take some of you a while longer to absorb all this. If it's taken me over a year to sort myself out, I don't expect everyone to suddenly treat me like a woman tomorrow.

I'm open to any questions you may have and will try to answer them as best as I can. Any outright hate messages will be ignored. I realize this will probably be a shock some of you, but you don't have to take your insecurities out on me because of it. Just know, that I'm happy with the woman I'm discovering. I feel more confident and more sure about myself for the first time in longer than I can remember. I hope some of you can find it in your hearts to accept my happiness. Otherwise, I'm sorry, but I'm not hiding myself for the rest of you any longer.

Still here.

Wow... talk about loosing track of things. Oddly enough it's C100's In-studio Chat that has drawn me back to my blog.

What to say in one post to catch up with a good 2 years of no posts? Is anyone still following this?

Well, I now work for the Conseil scolaire acadien as a janitor for one of their schools. It's been an interesting shift in things from the security guard work I've been doing for nearly a year now.

It's almost the end of school, with the High School done their classes, yesterday's big clean up was the overflowing garbages from them cleaning out their lockers. Today shouldn't be so bad, but Friday the junior high will dumping their lockers....

Feeling a Little Burnt

I write this the day after, feeling sore, tired (going on 38 hours awake now), and very much sunburnt. But, oddly enough, I can tell you it was worth it!

This is the second year that we've competed in the Clam Harbour Beach Sandcastle/Scupture Competition. Or better known as Sandcastle Day to most. Each year, with a little help from HRM, the Lake Charlotte locals have hosted this event that has grown in popularity to an International level... Not only were there a lot of Haligonians there, but people from other provinces, the US and from abroad. The competition attracts professional sculptors, amateurs and people who just want to enjoy the beach.
Entering the competition is cheap enough, but you have to get there early to claim a good spot. For me, we headed to the beach soon as I got off work. My mother, wife and the kids were already there and setting up a spot by the time my dad and I joined them. This year, my daughter is over 12, so we entered as the whole family, instead of just the kids' division. Just as well, my Dad and I did most of the work. ;)
It took us 5 hours to carve out our impressive fort, and it wasn't easy! We hadn't quite packed the sand hard enough, it was a hot and dry day, we didn't add enough water, so we weren't able to add some of the details we had hoped - for fear of the whole thing crumbling. As it is I had to replace the 'lighthouse tower' as it collasped on me when I tried to add some detailing.

Now that all this confusion is over, I'm looking forward to our trip to Winnipeg tomorrow - where I'll be able to relax a little for a week.

Busy Summer...

Boy, what a week?! I think it was a week, okay I think it's more like two weeks..... I've done so much things and have had so little sleep, I have no idea how much time has passed... but here we are the first week of August already! Wow! Where did the summer go?!

I've divided the pictures up into the various events: Going to the beach, and making sandcastles; touring the Ovens and Lunenberg after visiting my grandmother on the south shore; going to Upper Clements Park... It was a lot of pictures to catch up on!

The kids have been having a blast! And I can't believe summer is almost over! In a couple of weeks we'll be flying back to Winnipeg - all together. Kart and I have some family issues we need to get resolved, and the kids are going back to their mother.

Kids and Sail Ships

From the "Kids can be so Cute" department: One of the COOL things about Nova Scotia is the fog we get... At least that was the unanimous statement from my older to kids - who spend most of the year living in the Prairies with their mother. You don't see fog like we get here in Manitoba... fog so thick, you can barely see 10 feet in front of you. The funny thing is... This isn't their first trip to the Maritimes, so why it's suddenly so cool.. well kids will be kids. :)

Summer's been relatively mild this year. Although more sunny days would generally be preferred by most.. coming from someone who sleeps during the daytime, I'm not going to complain too loudly. It's nice to be able to sleep comfortably. We haven't spent much time at the beach, and with the sea water averaging 14°C, it's not exactly warm to bathe in. The frigid waters don't seem to be affecting the surfers much, they can be seen in large numbers any day there's a decent surf.

The kids are making up for their lack of beach time at my mother's... where they're staying for some time while they take swimming at the Porter's Lake Aquatic Club. So I get a bit of a break from having so many feet around the house, and the kids get to swim in the lake's cool waters... Porter's Lake is a tidal body of water, meaning that a portion of the lake is salt water.. and nearly as cold as the ocean that's feeding it. Outside of beach time, my parents have a nice big yard so the kids can vent the extra energy that young bodies tend to have in excess - and I can get rest during the day on the nights I work.
This week's trip out to my parents' is going to be a solo run - provided it doesn't rain as the forecast is predicting. I was able to make the trip in 3 hours last year... lets see if I keep that up.

Monday was a blast! Without the kids underfoot, the wife and I had the opportunity to spend some much needed time together. Sure we do a fair bit as a family, but there's only so much one can do with munchkins in tow. The youngest is still in preschool, so we dropped him off, and spend the day in downtown Halifax. A nice quiet early lunch at a bistro, and then it was off to watch the Parade of Sails. Most of the tall ships left port this week, so all the ships paraded up and down the harbour. One doesn't get the chance to see so many sailing ships, small and large float by and give a show. Even more beautiful when seen from the deck of a boat only a stones throw off George's Island. It was beautiful, and revived my desire to get out at sea and experience it... maybe next year. This year my parents want to do a wale watching tour.

I know not everyone gets excited seeing a schooner under full sail. But for those who long for the Age of Sail, I have a load of pictures to add to Friday's collection.. now the challenge is to sort them down to only two photo albums.

Tall Ship Festival

The great sail ships are visiting the Halifax Harbour this week. While Halifax is home to a handful of sail ships, getting so many sailing ships in one harbour at a time is cause for celebration... there's not many of them left in the world.

While the media says that 50 ships are in the harbour this week, only about half of them were docked for viewing today as the family got together to climb on them and check them all out. Some great ships were with us today... The Bounty - of of the oldest sailing ships still in service - paid us a visit.

I'll try to get out Sunday for the Parade of Sail when the ships will set out in - hopefully - full sail.

I got a load of pictures, I'll load them on facebook soon as I sort them down to 1 album. Here's a teaser for starts.

Weekend Cycling Adventure

Having Saturday and Sunday off, I decided to take a shot at kicking our summer cycling into gear!
My two older munchkins and I headed out for my parents' place... it's a good 45km ride between where we live in Dartmouth and where my parents live in Porter's Lake. I did 6 such runs last summer.... this weekend was this summer's first.

Saturday started out foggy, but soon before noon, the fog burned off and the day was spectacular. It took us about 6 1/2 hours to do the trip there.. the kids were exhausted and we were gratefully to take showers to cool off and wash the sweat, dirt and salt from our bodies. The whole family got together for supper, but we stayed the night while my wife and the younger boys got a drive home.

This morning we set out at 9:45 and finally showed up home at 3:30.... all told a bit better time coming home. I think We have to owe it to the fact that it was cool and cloudy most of the day, so heat wasn't as much of an issue.. we even got drizzled on after leaving the trail and hitting Caldwell Road. The rain was brief, so we it did well to cool us off while not being a problem.

I took about 30 odd pictures which I'll load onto Facebook.. and maybe my Yahoo 360 if I can muster getting to that tonight.

Feeling the Sizzle.

Summer feels like its finally here... the mercury today climbed to 25°C, but with the humidity it feels a lot warmer. We've had weather hovering around this level for the past few days. Though a bit stuffy it's nice to actually FEEL summer, and not the cold miserable season we had last year.

I've been biking to work for about a month now, still a bit hard on the legs, and I need to take the time soon to get my bike re-tuned as it seems a bit 'off'. Some days are more enjoyable to cycle than others, and I always have my camera with me - just in case I can find something nice.

My youngest had his pre-school graduation on Friday. In September, he officially starts Kindergarten.. though they call it 'Primary' in this province for some reason. It never surprises me how fast kids grow up... My youngest starting Kindergarten, my oldest is starting High-School, the other two are nearing their years at their current levels: Last year of elementary for Chip, and so forth... Makes one feel old some days....

Here's an image of summer... a lilac bush outside of the back the college where my son's pre-school is... isn't it beautiful? And it smells so nice in the morning as we pass it!

Happy Easter! ... At least I think it's Easter..

I woke up for work this evening to greet a winter wonderland... I thought this was suppose to be Spring!? Well I'll be bringing my camera with me tonight to take a few pictures. I took a few pictures from my living room window, a couple on the way to work (sorry for the fuzziness) and some this morning on the way home.

I still can't believe it's Easter Sunday with all this wet white stuff on the ground. Once you get out of the wind, it's actually quite mild - if the weather continues - the snow won't last long... typical to what it's been like all winter here

The one advantage is that this is wonderful snowman building weather, so I'll probably have a few more pictures to add once we get back from my parent's place...

Nature is a Basketball.

This is my thought for the day: Nature is a basketball... at least that's what it seems like here in the Maritimes.
I got out of work this morning to find it snowing.. and everything was being dusted by wet snowflakes and being covered in sticky white powder. I took a few pictures on my walk up the street to home, and one downtown after dropping the munchkin off at pre-school.
What was to be a beautiful ending of winter (as 9pm tonight signals the first day of Spring), turned wet and mushy. The snow slowly turned to freezing rain, now I look out my living room window as cold drizzle slowly melts away what little (4 cm) snow fell last night and early this morning. It's not suppose to stop drizzling till sometime tomorrow when nature is fully satisfied that it has - yet again - blasted most traces of winter from the ground. While most people out here have been whining and complaining of what little of the white stuff we have received... I have been lamenting the lack of proper snowfall - mainly cause my poor small strawberry patch may not have survived the winter. Anyway, I did take a few pictures while as mementos of what little of winter we've had so far.. for soon the flowers will be budding and we'll be into April and it's dismal wet weather.

Don't Forget Your Cleats

That was the topic this morning as I got off of work... 1/4" of ice from freezing rain after a small snowfall covered every surface it could find! Icicles dangled from signs, people had to chip an ice shield surrounding their cars, and - outside of major roads - the streets were sheets of ice that would make any rink proud!

I wish I had some sort of spikes on my shoes as I tried to first half walk, half skate down to the bus from work. Then struggle to get up the hill to get home. In the end I beat the bus by less than 10 minutes walking from the mall - which was nearly a half hour from when I left the terminal. I've added a few pictures which I took when I got home... wish I would have had the camera with me on my walk though.. with the warm weather we had today, the ice is all melted now...

This winter has been strange: It'll be warm, it'll get cold, it might snow.. but it warms up again and it all melts. The result has left many with never-ending series of colds, flus, and such... myself I've lost a lot of time from work this season.

Brrr.. I take it back! Honest!

Here I was, not a few days ago boasting that it was warm and green here in the Maritimes...
Well, Jack Frost decided that he had heard enough it seems.. this week we got hit with wet snow followed by the mercury dropping down to 30 below with the windchill. It's been a very chilly week for all those who had settled in with the expectation of a mild winter.

I would say that it is nice to finally enjoy some winter sports only what snow fell is little more than a layer of hard ice - thanks to the sudden drop in temperature.

Tomorow the temperatures are suppose to climb back up to near the freezing point, so they promise it's going to get better... in the mean time, it's good to be able to curl up with a hot cup of coffee.

Winter wonderland?

Well, here we are in the middle of January, and there's NO SNOW! I can't get over it!... I don't know whether to be overjoyed at the balmy weather (being able to wear sweaters and sneakers outside) or worried that this is a sign of other things.... As it is I'm sure some farmers, who depend on at least a moderate snow coverage, are worried about some of their crops.
As it is, we've had maybe 3 days so far with some snow on the ground, and we get the occasional flury.. but then the temperature rises 10 degrees above freezing and it all goes away again.

Monday, when I get the Christmas pictures online, I do have some small memoirs of what little snow we've had... as it stands the ground is bare with still some green grass.. I've even seen confused insects flitter by on days when the temperatures reach temperatures we normally only see in April or May.

Happy New Year!

Well, we just got home from our bus trip up to New Brunswick and boy is the cat happy to see us!

It was nice getting to meet more of my wife's family, and we got to enjoy snow while we were there.... not much mind you, but we did get snow.
By the way, I'm not to be held responsible for the snow that seems to have followed us home!

I have a couple of days off just after the new year, between installing new software, I'll see about getting the Christmas photos up on my website.

1 Week Left!!!!

Well, one week left till the big day.... at least for most of us.

As the commercial industry braces for the big crunch of shoppers cramming the stores with last minute shopping, I'm pretty much sitting back in the comfort that - what shopping I did this year - is all done... the last of it was ordered today and will be shipping out.

It actually doesn't feel much like Christmas to me this year.... our snow has all melted, we don't have any decorations set up here at home yet, and cause of my night job, I haven't gone to stores much this year... having gotten most of my gifts online.
We did help my parents get their live tree on Saturday, and mom's started decorating her home. When my dad gets back from BC this week, it'll be a mad rush to get the rest of the house decorated for the holiday.
I guess the reason we haven't bothered decorating the apartment is that we won't be here much for the holiday... with spending Christmas day at mom's, and then going to New Brunswick to spend time with my wife's side of the family till New Year, there's not much reason to set up decorations here. At least I'm playing my Christmas tune collection as I compose my blogs.

Most of us are sitting here wondering if we're going to have a white Christmas this year. While the temperature is dropping to it's norm (just below freezing) for this time of year, they're announcing a clear week - meaning no snow in the immediate forecast.

Oh well, at least i got the shot in last week when we DID have snow on the ground. It's all gone now... You know, I don't ask much from Winter, I just want a white Christmas.. the rest of the season can do whatever it wants..

Merry Christmas to all my online friends and family, may this season find you in good spirits.

First Snow Fall

For the past couple of weeks now, I've been boasting to my online friends that winter has so far missed the Maritimes.

Well, this picture of our back lot as of 5:30pm would seem to indicate otherwise. Now lets see if the snow will stick around for more than a day.

It's not a pretty picture, I'll see if I can take a more scenic shot tonight or tomorrow morning as I head out for work in a few hours.

Kids are so cute: A a couple of hours after this picture, the plow came by and cleared the back parking lot. He suddenly exclaimed: "Oh no, they broke it! It's all gone!" It had us in stitches, it was so precious!

Photo Gallery Catchup.

Ok, I've started catching up with my photo gallery on my website.
I've got the fall pictures in.... working in reverse as there were fewer fall pictures that summer pictures to deal with. ;o)

For those who've visited my picture gallery before, I have reworked the layout a bit - which I think helps for consistency as well as makes it a little more attractive. With the gallery rework done, I'll have more time for summer photo pages. As it's almost 6 am, I'll start work on the summer photos tomorrow. Here's a teaser from the fall pictures.

Falling back into my blog

Ever get those times when you want to do someting, but somehow keep putting it off a little bit every day?... Well that's what happened to my blog.

So.. where to start with all this?

Well, it's fall (I'll try and get some beautiful picture up soon), and the kids are back in school. We've taken on taking care of a couple of our neighbours before and after school - so I'm starting to hear Dad a lot more often!

I hope to finally get caught up with my summer photos by Hallowe'en... well, hopefully before then, but I'm being realistic.

I finally kicked my Puzzle Pirates addiction, but I'm still spending most of my time playing computer games - hence the delays in my website. I also haven't started up my gaming groups this fall. Mainly cause - outside of the wife - no-one's asking me if I'm kicking the campaign back into gear or not. Honestly, I probably won't be GMing again unless I get more than one request. It's not that I don't enjoy it, it's just a lot of work for too few people.

I'll be offering some other gaming options to a select few people - mainly my kids - soon. So, for my kids, I'll have the first issue up soon, just need to finish setting it up. :)

Beach fun.

Well, I still haven't gotten my pictures off my camera yet.... good thing the memory card holds about 5 rolls of film... ;o)

These past couple of days we got the chance to enjoy some nice weather - something that seems to be getting rare this summer.
The UV index climbed to 8 on Tuesday! A bit scarry, but with generous use of sunblock and spending most of your time in the water, the heat was tollerable. The ocean's still pretty cold right now, so we decided for a change of pace and explored one of Nova Scotia's many lakes. Out around Head of Chezzetcook there's this little lake off the highway close to the Elephant B&B. For those who know how to find it, it's this quaint little beach with a platform at a comfortable swimming distance. It also has a lifeguard, so it's not overrun with unwanted people.
It wasn't suppose to rain that night, but around 1:30am a thunderstorm rolled in and poured on us all - while we were camping out in tents! We were ok, but the 2 in the smaller dome tent ended up getting a bit wet, so it wasn't a restful night for some... I myself couldn't sleep till the rain ended, cause I was worried that our new tent would leak..

Wednesday we went back to the lake, and on the way home to my parents, stopped at a friend's place along Porter's Lake and took a dip there. The water was so nice, we didn't want to get out, but the kids were complaining about being hungry, so we went back home and had chicken on the BBQ. With my dad being away most of this summer, I've been doing a lot of cooking at my parents' place... I don't mind - with my night job I don't get the chance to cook as much as I used to at home, so it's good doing something to help Mom.

Couldn't bike to work today.. it's rained most of the day, the roads are wet, and it was still a fairly heavy mist when I got out to grab the bus... With no mud guards and no proper rain gear for cycling, I would have gotten soaked trying to get to work! I just hope the morning crew isn't late so I can get home in a timely manner in the morning...